Empowering Problem-Solving, Resilience, and Self-Advocacy in the Early Years

Jennifer Shonkoff Returns—Sharing Practical Parenting Tips for Building Invaluable Life Skills

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Welcome to Part 2 of my conversation with Jennifer Shonkoff, speech-language pathologist and child development expert. In this follow-up, Jennifer shares practical strategies for building kids' independence, confidence, and emotional resilience. She’s one of the most engaging experts I’ve encountered, with a unique ability to turn everyday resources into impactful tools for growth. Be sure to check out her Substack (linked below) for more insights.

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Using Scaffolding to Support Your Child's Growth and Independence

Erin: Scaffolding is a term we often use as educators, and it can be particularly helpful for parents when thinking about building resilience, autonomy, and agency with our kids.

Can you explain what scaffolding looks like in practice and how parents can apply it?

Jennifer: Absolutely. Well, I think if we take the mental image of scaffolding in its physical form, it really helps to understand it as a concept. If you don't live in an urban environment or you've never really seen scaffolding on a building when it's being constructed, it's essentially this structure of metal piping or wood on the side of a building. That structure allows people and equipment to move upwards, so that they can reach the appropriate area with the intention of restoring or building.

Now, in terms of language and thinking, we're providing a similar mental structure to lift a child's cognition up just beyond what they already know independently. Scaffolding is like a series of clues that lead a child to the answer on their own. It's not always possible, but we do our best to provide these little clues, whether it's visually, through sounds, with words, or even a form of non-verbal language – writing, facial expressions, gestures, etc.

An example would be, let's say, a three-year-old is playing with a toy and the toy breaks. It's easily fixable, and you know the child can fix it on their own, but they come to you crying because it's broken and they’re not sure what to do. First, you meet them where they are by saying, “Oh no, it's broken! I wonder how we could put it back together?” and then you begin engaging in shared social problem solving by holding the two pieces up while they calm down and process.

We want them to feel like they came up with the answer. I always say they’re the “director” and I’m the “producer” in these situations. So in this specific instance, the scaffolding might involve modeling a symbolic gesture showing how it could go back together. It could also be providing extra processing time for the child to think of an idea, or giving them two possible ways to fix the toy, and they select their preference.

Erin: Yeah, it’s instinctual to jump in and solve problems for our kids, but then we’re frustrated when they can’t solve them on their own. Often, we’re not being intentional about teaching them how to problem-solve.

Life is full of challenges, and if we can teach our kids early on that problem-solving is a part of being alive, we’re helping them develop the skills they need to navigate life’s obstacles independently.

Jennifer: Yeah, and honestly, my life motto has always been: You can't learn until you fail. I think we've all experienced this, I mean, I hope people have experienced a string of failures in their life. I know that I've had setbacks. I'm sure you've had setbacks. We all experience it, and you can't grow as a person until you have pushback or you have that setback in your life.

Erin: I completely agree. When we don’t allow kids to experience failure or setbacks, even with our support and scaffolding, we’re actually doing them a disservice. It's essential for them to learn how to get back up and move forward.

Recognizing When Your Child Is Ready for More Responsibility

Erin: A universal parenting dilemma is knowing when to push and when to step back. What signs do you see in kids that indicate they're ready for more responsibility?

Jennifer: That's a great question. Let's say the goal is for your child to play independently. I think a lot of parents feel that they can't get time away, right? If you want to push them to do things by and for themselves at home, it takes persistence and boundaries.

Then there's going to naturally be a time in which children have a problem that needs to be solved. You, as the parent, have to determine whether this is a problem they can solve on their own, or do they actually need me, like we just mentioned. As the caregiver, you will know what they're capable of doing, and you need to trust your own judgement in that, but also see if you can challenge yourself to set boundaries that force them to take risks.

I’m imagining a situation where something's just out of reach; that seems to be a pretty typical challenge that a parent would face at home. The child comes to you and says, “Mom, I want this book. Can you get it for me?” They're big enough to get it on their own, like, let's say, they're five or six years old, but they still come to you. My thinking initially goes to, why are they coming to you when they can do it on their own?

A lot of the time, parents are—obviously, safety is of the utmost importance—but parents set safety limits around tasks that their kids really can navigate on their own. Limits like don’t stand on that chair, that's not safe! If they're five or six, they could probably stand on a safe, stable chair that you bought for them. Or everyone has those ladders¹ that they put in the kitchen now so kids can reach the counter, that could be used safely.

Erin: …and they just need to be shown how to do it.

Jennifer: Yes, exactly. There's a lot to be said for understanding physical boundaries and what your body is capable of at that age, too. And let’s be honest, you've definitely bolted the bookshelf to the wall, and if you haven't, it’s time to bolt the shelf to the wall. You’ve also probably invested in a chair that's stable, and if you haven't, time to get a chair that's safe enough to use for more than sitting.

However, if you notice that your kid is jumping on a glider or a rocking chair to reach something—that’s when you sternly set a safety limit and tell them, “This chair's not safe to stand on, but that chair is safe to stand on. Let's grab that chair instead. When you need a book from up there, you stand on that chair only.”

There are a lot of conditional language concepts embedded in these instructions, which will help kids to compare and contrast situations in their life. As they get older, children reference these salient experiences to make safe choices. So it's really about putting in the effort now, proactively, to teach them how to solve problems on their own.

Erin: Yes. I feel like we’ve alluded to this already, but it’s worth emphasizing. In these moments—whether we're trying to make dinner or get them to play on their own—it can feel like a burden to pause and teach. But I truly believe that by investing just a few extra minutes upfront, we're saving ourselves years of doing things for our children. That small investment makes a huge difference.

It’s tempting to give in when they interrupt us for the third time, or when we’re exhausted. But if we stick with it and take the time to guide them early, it pays off.

And, honestly, the long-term consequences of not doing this work are significant. It's not just about raising independent, contributing adults—it’s also about making sure they don’t end up living in our basement forever because we did everything for them. (laughing)

Jennifer: (laughing) Exactly, and it’s about consistency. Some kids are going to come to you and say, “But Mommy, I really want you to help me,” because they're thinking, If she doesn't help me, she doesn't love me. You have to be consistent and set boundaries by saying, “I believe in you. I know that you can get this book safely. Remember, we did this together, and now you’re ready to do it on your own. Tell me, what do we need to stand on? Yes, we need to stand on the blue chair. That's right. Okay, now go try.” At times, they'll respond, “No, mommy, I really want you, I need your help!” and you have to again turn to them and say, “I trust you. You’ve got this! You can do this by yourself.” After they get the book and come back to show you, they’ll of course say something really cute like, “Look Mommy, I did it!” It's a big celebration.

From there, they can start to trust themselves. As adults, we have to be the ones to say to ourselves, I don't need to be there, actually. Then to them we say, “I'm thinking about you when you're over there, and I want you to be safe. But you've done this. You've got this.”

Erin: Yes! I always try to balance two key ideas: I'm proud of you and Aren't you proud of yourself? Both of these can coexist, and they’re both equally important. Teaching kids to feel proud of themselves and recognize their own accomplishments is such a valuable lesson, especially when we're not there to offer that praise.

Jennifer: I think the balance of that has to become intrinsic over time. I've heard from a friend recently that somebody very well known on the internet told her not to tell her child “good job.” Sometimes we really do a good job, and we don't want to become reliant on it, but we should hear it!

Building Self-Advocacy in Your Child (Yes, It Starts with the Dreaded "No")

Erin: How can parents best help their kids develop a strong sense of self-advocacy?

Jennifer: Oh, I love this topic. I talk about this a lot at work and on my Substack, especially when it comes to early communication, because kids start to push back around a year and a half to two years old, by saying, “No.” At that age, they're really learning self-advocacy for the first time.

I think we usually see early moments of communication like “I want _____” as self-advocacy and building a sense of self. Really, a sense of self develops when they start saying “no,” and it's how we respond to the no's and allow them to push back (sometimes) that matters. Intentionality is realizing our words have meaning.

I talked about this actually in a recent post, where I mentioned a book, What Are Words, Really? So when they say “no,” sometimes we have to be able to take that seriously and celebrate the rejection or denial of someone else’s ideas.

Oftentimes, we hear kids tell us “no,” and immediately react by thinking, Oh, they're just being defiant. However, it may also be that they don't have the language skills yet to share their inner world and point of view. They actually want to say, “it's making me feel worried, it's making me feel nervous, etc.,” and that language only develops when we can scaffold conversations with them about their experiences.

Then obviously, sometimes “no” can't happen. They start wanting to fight us on every limit we set or challenge our directions. Kids need to learn the nuances of negotiation and compromise when they’re self-advocating. Occasionally, we can have a conversation about their opinions, but in other situations, they’ll need to just accept what we say as fact and move on.

Now, when we can indulge them, another part of this process is that they’re building an understanding of their own opinions. Why don't I like this?

When given the space and opportunity to express themselves, kids start building connections between their experiences and feelings. “I don't like this because...” it scares me or makes me feel uncomfortable, or the last time we did it, this bad thing happened, and I don’t want that to happen again. They’re increasing their understanding of cause-and-effect relationships, and in turn using more complex language when they’re talking to us. We also want kids to eventually specify what they don't like about a situation or idea. All of this practice, as aggravating as it can be, is so vital to kids becoming better communicators.

Erin: How can parents help develop those skills in the moment? Say I’m at Target with my two or three-year-old and they’re saying “no.” I know they’re learning and it’s not defiance, but I’m feeling rushed and there’s a lot going on around us. Is it important to take the time to ask questions and understand what the “no” means, or is that too advanced for the situation and that age?

Jennifer: Right, and also my kid's screaming in the middle of a store, and all of a sudden, seven people are looking at me.

Erin: Exactly. Massive side eyes—This lady doesn't have a clue about parenting.

Jennifer: Oh great, another millennial parent, gentle parenting. (laughing),

Erin: (laughing) Totally.

Jennifer: It’s a balance between validating their communication and also bringing them into reality.

If it's an opportunity where they're saying they don't want to leave because they want to keep looking at a toy in a box, you can say: “Yes, I see you've been looking at Spider-Man in this box for a really long time. It seems like you really want to play with Spider-Man. I know, you love Spider-Man. Spider-Man's home is in [this store]. We have to go to [other place], but Spider-Man's gonna keep living at the store. We can come back and we can visit him again another time, but right now Spider-Man is staying here.”

Subtext: We're not buying another toy. I understand this is what you want, but the answer is “No.”

I will also try to playfully deflect with another game, such as: “Let's see if we can find three more things that are red, like Spider-Man,” or whatever it may be.

I think when you say, “We have Spider-Man at home,” their immediate response is wanting the Spider-Man in front of them, not the one that’s out of sight. That’s when you get into a power struggle, and tantrums start.

Erin: Yeah, exactly. I also love the idea—this Spider-Man lives here, but we'll come back and visit.

Jennifer: Right. We're not abandoning Spider-Man. We love Spider-Man!

Erin: And maybe we have something now to look forward to. So, when my kid typically doesn't want to go to Target, I can actually use that to my advantage because now we can go back and visit that Spider-Man.

Jennifer: Exactly. But also, you already have six Spider-Mans at home, of all different sizes. We don't need another one, and honestly, maybe we can't afford another one! Perhaps a Spider-Man doll was your big birthday gift, but you can't explain that to a three-year-old.

Erin: That's where the breathing comes in.

Jennifer: Exactly, that's where breathing comes in and our own patience. You have to validate their experience and give them another motivating choice—going outside or getting a snack. Redirect. Use those short attention spans to your advantage.

And if it escalates and there is physical aggression that comes as a result, that's a whole different story, and you have to co-regulate in a different way.

There are obviously disciplinary consequences that are individualized for every family, but I think as much as we can, focus on giving them the language to express their wants and needs.

Even if they can't access it verbally in the moment, maybe they can show us through their bodies, like clenching their fists or stomping their feet. Saying, “I'm noticing that you're stomping your feet. It looks like you're feeling really frustrated,” highlights these non-spoken communication modalities and, again, makes them intentional by giving them meaning.

Erin: They feel so seen in that moment because you're articulating how they're feeling. Right?

Jennifer: Yeah. We also say—I don't know if you ever heard this in school—but at my job, we often say "name it to tame it." When we see kids feeling really frustrated and they're not able to verbalize it, the second you can validate it through naming it into existence, either they can repeat, “Yes, Angry,” or you hear a deep collective breath that demonstrates they feel seen and understood.

I also love books like The Color Monster to explain feelings to kids. That way, you can say, “It looks like you're feeling green right now…” or, “red.” Red is anger. “It looks like you're feeling Red right now like Color Monster. I wonder if that's how you're feeling?” Then they can agree or disagree. That spoken narration also lowers the cognitive load of having to retrieve words when they’re dysregulated, because you're providing them this symbolic and playful way of self-advocating that meets them in their zone of proximal development.

Erin: Yeah, that's amazing. You're so good.

Jennifer: Thank you. I appreciate that so much!

Erin: Where can readers find you?

Jennifer: They can find me on Substack at The Childhood Curator: A Playful Guide to Supplying a Happy Childhood, where I cover a lot of practical language-based strategies. I also try to share, every once in a while, my column called Add to Cart, where I'll share practical book and toy recommendations that I think are worth it.

And then I share the ‘oh, duh’ posts, too, like Learning in the Real World? Take a Walk. Things that you're already doing that you don't even realize that you're doing.

And if they ever need anything—any advice or educational consulting, my email is available on my About page. They can find me there and reach out if they need help regarding whether they should get their kid evaluated.

I usually provide parents with a 15-minute free consulting call. And then, if they need additional help, that would be negotiated through an hourly rate in the contract, but I do give a free 15-minute consulting call.

Links to Articles Mentioned:
Part 1: A Parent's Guide to the Milestones That Matter
How to Help Kids Be a Little More Independent (and Hopefully Stay Organized)
Add to Cart: Books About Words That Aren't Dictionaries

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Jennifer Shonkoff is a licensed and American Speech-Language-Hearing Association–certified speech-language pathologist with over 10 years of expertise supporting neurodiverse individuals and their families in school and at home. She has also received an Advanced DIRFloortime® certification from the International Council on Development and Learning.

1. For example, the Mini Chef Foldable Helper Tower from Piccalio.