“We become a composite of other people’s expectations — and our internal direction goes dormant.”
Felt this line in my gut when I read this. Twin mom of 1.5yo twin girls here and feel like I haven’t stopped since the moment I knew there were two babies.
You just helped me decide to say no to something I “should” do tomorrow without explanation. Thank you, Erin!
Oh wow, twin mama—that is so much to hold. I’m really glad this gave you the nudge to say no without explanation. That’s no small thing—and much easier said than done. Cheering you on as you make space for yourself in the middle of it all. 🧡
Oh, I get that. My girls are two years apart, and the first few years of their lives felt like decades. For me, it gradually became more manageable. The more independent they got, the lighter the load felt. But for a while, it felt like there was no light at the end of the seemingly endless tunnel. If you ever need a reminder that it's ok to do less and say no, you know where to find me. 😉🧡
The idea of "stopping" instead of just recalibrating or organizing better resonated so deeply. It's like you articulated that quiet, desperate whisper many of us have been trying to ignore. We've been told for so long that the solution to overwhelm is better time management or a new planner, but what if the real problem isn't our inefficiency, but the sheer volume of "shoulds" we've internalized? It feels almost revolutionary to hear someone say, "Strip the calendar to the studs." Thank you for the permission to consider a more radical approach, one that actually gets to the root of the exhaustion rather than just band-aiding the symptoms.
It's funny, I was just thinking about how we often mistake constant motion for progress, and how that can lead us so far off course from what truly nourishes us. This piece is a powerful reminder that sometimes, the most productive thing we can do is nothing at all. It's about reclaiming that internal space that gets swallowed whole by the relentless demands of modern life.
Thank you so much for this thoughtful response, Alex. This was definitely one of those *love it or hate it* pieces.
I feel like I'm in a perpetual loop of learning the lesson that constant motion ≠ progress. That running (even) faster in the wrong direction just gets me lost quicker. I wonder if we heard more often the encouragement or permission to slow down or stop, it might help tame many of our modern life issues. I'm not sure. But I am sure the vast majority of parents are exhausted and overwhelmed, and it feels like the only way to course correct is with a radical strategy.
"when a person refuses to disappear inside a role." Right on, Erin!
So empowering to read your articulation of the process in real time; we dropped off my daughter at college 1 week ago. Still settling into the new dynamic.
“Because somewhere along the way, vigilance started to feel like love. And letting go now feels like neglect.” Oof. Yep. The guilt that comes along with that is a heavy load.
In the midst of being asked to take on another role while simultaneously figuring out how we are going to balance all of the fall schedules and extracurriculars…this is such a timely article.
You’re making me feel increasingly better about being unpopular, Erin!
Ha, yes—welcome to the unpopular CLUB! I’ve been saving a seat just for *you*. 😉
It’s so hard to see it clearly when we’re in the thick of it. Add an agreeable personality and a little resilience, and suddenly over-functioning is second nature.
If you ever need a reminder that you’re crushing the *mom gig*—even while saying no—you know where to find me. 🧡
Usually I agree with you, Erin, but this, time? I don't know.
I'm hesitating over two points.
First, I don't think we're all doing everything because of what other people will think. That impulse happens to parents, definitely, but I don't think it's as dominant as you seem to.
Second, pressure is part of life, and most of the time it's not possible to anything well--anything--without ever feeling pressed. I also suspect the expectation that we won't or shouldn't feel that way could become it's own kind of pressure.
Mine are grown, now, and all's well. But I remember thinking: Now I have to find "me-time," too, on top of everything else?
I really appreciate you sharing this, Rachel—thank you.
I completely agree—pressure is part of life, and we all carry it in different ways. I don’t think the goal is to avoid pressure, but to notice when it’s become so constant we stop realizing what it’s costing us.
For me, this piece wasn’t about avoiding responsibility or seeking a perfect balance, but about asking: where can we step back from pressures (whether internal or external) that are unnecessary, unsustainable, or quietly erasing us beyond our roles as parents?
I'm grateful for your perspective—it’s a good reminder that parenting looks and feels different for everyone.
This is beautiful, Erin. And so necessary. Yet another post of yours that articulates something I’ve been thinking about better than I ever could have.
That means so much coming from you, Derek—thank you. I think so many of us are carrying the same thoughts quietly, and I’m just grateful when the words connect.
Plus, I get really excited when I see your name pop up. It usually means I'm about to see some profound and humbling parenting wisdom in my inbox. 🧡
That invisible load of anticipation is so hard to name, but it shapes everything. It’s not just cooking dinner or helping with homework, it’s carrying the weather system of the whole household in your body. And you’re right, after a while the clenching feels normal, like the only way to function. Reading this makes me notice how much I’m holding.
That's so true—the idea that we can live braced for so long it feels like the only way to function is both scary and heartbreaking. It makes me wonder how often I've missed out on opportunities to enjoy my life—and my kids. I'm feeling extra-committed to looking for ways we can get back to delighting in both.
That reality gets me every time, too. The good news is, they don’t need us perfect—they just need to see us human, making the shift in real time. We're in this together! 🧡
“We become a composite of other people’s expectations — and our internal direction goes dormant.”
Felt this line in my gut when I read this. Twin mom of 1.5yo twin girls here and feel like I haven’t stopped since the moment I knew there were two babies.
You just helped me decide to say no to something I “should” do tomorrow without explanation. Thank you, Erin!
Oh wow, twin mama—that is so much to hold. I’m really glad this gave you the nudge to say no without explanation. That’s no small thing—and much easier said than done. Cheering you on as you make space for yourself in the middle of it all. 🧡
Trying to get out of lifelong burnout with a toddler sounds impossible tbh. But I resonated with a lot of this piece, thanks for writing. 💕
Oh, I get that. My girls are two years apart, and the first few years of their lives felt like decades. For me, it gradually became more manageable. The more independent they got, the lighter the load felt. But for a while, it felt like there was no light at the end of the seemingly endless tunnel. If you ever need a reminder that it's ok to do less and say no, you know where to find me. 😉🧡
The idea of "stopping" instead of just recalibrating or organizing better resonated so deeply. It's like you articulated that quiet, desperate whisper many of us have been trying to ignore. We've been told for so long that the solution to overwhelm is better time management or a new planner, but what if the real problem isn't our inefficiency, but the sheer volume of "shoulds" we've internalized? It feels almost revolutionary to hear someone say, "Strip the calendar to the studs." Thank you for the permission to consider a more radical approach, one that actually gets to the root of the exhaustion rather than just band-aiding the symptoms.
It's funny, I was just thinking about how we often mistake constant motion for progress, and how that can lead us so far off course from what truly nourishes us. This piece is a powerful reminder that sometimes, the most productive thing we can do is nothing at all. It's about reclaiming that internal space that gets swallowed whole by the relentless demands of modern life.
Thank you so much for this thoughtful response, Alex. This was definitely one of those *love it or hate it* pieces.
I feel like I'm in a perpetual loop of learning the lesson that constant motion ≠ progress. That running (even) faster in the wrong direction just gets me lost quicker. I wonder if we heard more often the encouragement or permission to slow down or stop, it might help tame many of our modern life issues. I'm not sure. But I am sure the vast majority of parents are exhausted and overwhelmed, and it feels like the only way to course correct is with a radical strategy.
"when a person refuses to disappear inside a role." Right on, Erin!
So empowering to read your articulation of the process in real time; we dropped off my daughter at college 1 week ago. Still settling into the new dynamic.
Thanks, Jesse. I've been thinking about you all. We've got this... right? 😉 Hope your daughter has an amazing year!
Erin, every essay you write is so relatable. I hear you!
Thank you so much for saying that, Nancy—it means a lot, especially coming from you.
“Because somewhere along the way, vigilance started to feel like love. And letting go now feels like neglect.” Oof. Yep. The guilt that comes along with that is a heavy load.
In the midst of being asked to take on another role while simultaneously figuring out how we are going to balance all of the fall schedules and extracurriculars…this is such a timely article.
You’re making me feel increasingly better about being unpopular, Erin!
Ha, yes—welcome to the unpopular CLUB! I’ve been saving a seat just for *you*. 😉
It’s so hard to see it clearly when we’re in the thick of it. Add an agreeable personality and a little resilience, and suddenly over-functioning is second nature.
If you ever need a reminder that you’re crushing the *mom gig*—even while saying no—you know where to find me. 🧡
This hits home. Parenting isn’t about doing it all perfectly, it’s about being present and showing up for our children while caring for ourselves.
So true, and the key so many of us miss or forget... *while caring for ourselves*.
Usually I agree with you, Erin, but this, time? I don't know.
I'm hesitating over two points.
First, I don't think we're all doing everything because of what other people will think. That impulse happens to parents, definitely, but I don't think it's as dominant as you seem to.
Second, pressure is part of life, and most of the time it's not possible to anything well--anything--without ever feeling pressed. I also suspect the expectation that we won't or shouldn't feel that way could become it's own kind of pressure.
Mine are grown, now, and all's well. But I remember thinking: Now I have to find "me-time," too, on top of everything else?
Anyway, curious about your thoughts.
I really appreciate you sharing this, Rachel—thank you.
I completely agree—pressure is part of life, and we all carry it in different ways. I don’t think the goal is to avoid pressure, but to notice when it’s become so constant we stop realizing what it’s costing us.
For me, this piece wasn’t about avoiding responsibility or seeking a perfect balance, but about asking: where can we step back from pressures (whether internal or external) that are unnecessary, unsustainable, or quietly erasing us beyond our roles as parents?
I'm grateful for your perspective—it’s a good reminder that parenting looks and feels different for everyone.
This is beautiful, Erin. And so necessary. Yet another post of yours that articulates something I’ve been thinking about better than I ever could have.
Thank you.
That means so much coming from you, Derek—thank you. I think so many of us are carrying the same thoughts quietly, and I’m just grateful when the words connect.
Plus, I get really excited when I see your name pop up. It usually means I'm about to see some profound and humbling parenting wisdom in my inbox. 🧡
Wow, just wow. In the best and more honest way, this landed. Thank you.
Oh, I’m so glad it landed. Thank you for receiving it with such openness, Sara, and for saying so here. I'm grateful.
That invisible load of anticipation is so hard to name, but it shapes everything. It’s not just cooking dinner or helping with homework, it’s carrying the weather system of the whole household in your body. And you’re right, after a while the clenching feels normal, like the only way to function. Reading this makes me notice how much I’m holding.
That's so true—the idea that we can live braced for so long it feels like the only way to function is both scary and heartbreaking. It makes me wonder how often I've missed out on opportunities to enjoy my life—and my kids. I'm feeling extra-committed to looking for ways we can get back to delighting in both.
"And meanwhile, our kids are watching—not just what we do for them, but what we never do for ourselves." This part! I needed this reminder.
That reality gets me every time, too. The good news is, they don’t need us perfect—they just need to see us human, making the shift in real time. We're in this together! 🧡