When College Moves In
An Honest Conversation About College Planning, Family Pressure, and Finding a Better Fit
The college admissions process no longer feels like a simple rite of passage. For many families, it feels more like a high-stakes maze, with rules that aren’t always clear and timelines that seem to sneak up overnight.
Even if your child is still in elementary school, you’ve probably felt it in passing—a comment about “building a resume,” a middle school parent talking about strategy, the question in the back of your mind about whether you’re doing enough.
What once felt far away now seems to start earlier and carry more weight.
We want our kids to move toward adulthood with confidence. But it’s hard to loosen our grip when we’re not sure the path is steady beneath them—or whether the path everyone talks about is even the one they’re meant to take.
And because not every child fits neatly into the traditional college path, I’ll also be sharing a companion piece on Thursday that speaks to some of the harder questions many parents are quietly carrying.
Today, I’m sitting down with Carrie Jorgenson from early bird. For more than 15 years, she has worked with families from multiple angles of the admissions process—in K–12 schools, university admissions offices, and private counseling.
That vantage point gives her a clear view of what families are really up against, and what helps them move through the process with more clarity, less tension at home, and far more intention.
If you want to go directly to the part most relevant to your family, here’s where we’re headed:
» What We’re Getting Wrong About College
» What Actually Matters in Choosing a College
» From Pressure to Shared Responsibility
» What Matters Most Right Now
» The Money Conversation
» Why Clarity Is an Equity Issue
» When Families Need More Than Advice
What We’re Getting Wrong About College
Erin: We’re in the thick of college in our house right now. My oldest will graduate next year, and my youngest is in her first year and already considering a transfer. They have very different personalities, learning styles, and needs, and finding the right fit has been its own process for each of them.
When you sit across from families, what are they most anxious about right now? And where do you see the biggest disconnect between what parents believe matters and what actually matters?
Carrie: The biggest misconception I see is the “Checklist Trap”—the belief that if a student simply checks enough boxes, they’ll earn the outcome they want. In reality, colleges aren’t looking for well-rounded students so much as they are trying to build a well-rounded class. They aren’t just counting activities; they’re looking for depth, sustained interest, and a clearer sense of who a student is.
Parents often worry that a B in a hard class or a normal summer job is a dealbreaker, but those things can actually reflect authenticity. Admissions officers want to see a student who has explored their own interests, not one who has been overly curated to look impressive on paper.
Right now, the anxiety is centered on getting into the “right” schools. Families often feel that if their child doesn’t get into a name-brand college, something has gone wrong. I spend a lot of time reminding parents that the best-fit college is the one where a student can actually be seen, supported, and challenged—and that their future will be shaped far more by who they are than by the name on the sweatshirt.
What Actually Matters in Choosing a College
Erin: I think this is where a lot of parents get pulled off course. We start out wanting our kids to find a place where they’ll grow and thrive, and before long, the conversation gets taken over by rankings, prestige, and fear. How do you help families come back to what actually matters when they’re choosing a school?
Carrie: When families ask, “Which college is best?” they’re often really asking, “Where is my child most likely to do well?” And that answer is not always found in rankings. A school’s retention rate can tell you something important about whether students feel supported and are likely to thrive there.
But more broadly, fit is about whether a student is in an environment where they can thrive academically, socially, and emotionally. Instead of chasing names or logos, I encourage families to look for schools where students are supported, engaged, and more likely to grow. That is where long-term success begins.
From Pressure to Shared Responsibility
Erin: Even when parents try not to overmanage, the tension still shows up at home. Fear of missing out is real. Other families seem ahead. Deadlines start piling up. We step in because we care, and before we realize it, we’re managing ‘all the things’ and wondering why everyone’s frustrated. What have you seen that helps families stay connected when the process starts taking over at home?
Carrie: What helps most is creating more clarity and a clearer division of responsibility. When everything lives in the parent’s head, the student often feels either micromanaged or checked out. But when everyone understands who owns what, the dynamic shifts.
The families who navigate this best are not the ones with no stress. They’re the ones who stop making college the center of every interaction. The parent is still involved, but not carrying the entire process. The student has more ownership, and that usually leads to greater engagement.
Erin: And that shift is crucial. This process isn’t just about getting applications done. It’s also a great opportunity for our kids to practice taking responsibility for their own futures.
What Matters Most Right Now
Erin: For the parent reading this who has a sophomore or junior at home and feels like they’re already late to the game, what matters most right now? And just as importantly, what can they stop panicking about?
Carrie: The “behind” feeling is usually just noise from the college admissions arms race, not a reflection of your child’s actual timeline. For the next six months, focus almost entirely on academic momentum and genuine curiosity. If they are a junior, this is the time to solidify their relationship with teachers and explore one or two interests deeply—whether that’s coding, a part-time job, or a creative project.
As for what to safely ignore, the prestige chatter at the dinner table and the obsession with “perfect” summer programs. You can stop worrying about whether every single weekend is filled with a resume-building activity. In fact, over-polishing too early often kills the authentic voice that admissions officers actually want to hear.
Erin: For parents with younger kids, this can all feel far away until suddenly it’s not. At the same time, the idea of starting in 8th or 9th grade can feel like putting pressure on a child who’s still just becoming themselves. How do you think about starting early in a way that creates breathing room instead of stress?
Carrie: Specifically in 8th and 9th grade, it’s about identifying your students’ strengths, interests, and goals so they can enter high school more likely to choose appropriately challenging coursework, pursue activities with intention, and develop confidence. I like to call this the “discovery phase” rather than the “pre-college phase.” When we start early, we’re actually removing the pressure of the ticking clock that creates so much eleventh-grade anxiety.
Instead of frantically trying to “find a passion” at seventeen, your child has the luxury of being a “dabbler” at fourteen. They can join the robotics club, quit the robotics club, and try out for the school play without it feeling like a high-stakes error.
The Money Conversation
Erin: And then there’s the money piece, which for a lot of families is never in the background. As a single parent solely responsible for my daughters’ education, that part carries real weight for me. I’ve felt the pressure to get it right financially, not just emotionally or academically. I’m really curious how you coach families through this piece of the process.
Carrie: Shift the conversation from sticker price to net price as early as possible. Affordability shouldn’t be a final reveal in April of senior year; it needs to be a primary filter from the very first search. The most grounded way to approach this is by using the Net Price Calculator found on every college’s website during your child’s sophomore or junior year. This gives you a realistic estimate of what your family will actually pay based on your specific finances, rather than the public-facing number.
By treating financial fit with the same weight as the major or the campus vibe, you avoid falling in love with an option that was never truly possible.
Why Clarity Is an Equity Issue
Erin: I think a lot about raising kids who trust their footing. But not every family has access to private consultants and insider advice. How do families move through this season without feeling like everyone else got a set of instructions they never received?
Carrie: By making the rules of the game more transparent, you remove some of the frantic “What am I missing?” anxiety that so many parents and kids carry. A big part of equity in this process is helping families understand what actually matters and where they may have more options than they realize.
A perfect example of this is a student I worked with who ignored the “prestige” noise and focused entirely on financial transparency. By following my advice early in his junior year, he realized that while a famous private university would leave him with $200,000 in debt, a high-quality honors college at a state school offered him a full-tuition scholarship based on his stats and local leadership. He chose the honors college and graduated entirely debt-free. He didn’t have a team of experts, but he did have a clear-eyed understanding of the math and the confidence to choose the path that actually served his future.
When Families Need More Than Advice
Erin: You’ve talked throughout this conversation about fit, transparency, and taking some of the pressure off the parent-child dynamic. So, for the family reading this and thinking, yes, this is exactly where we get stuck—what does support actually look like?
Carrie: Meaningful support is not about being your child’s personal assistant or a high-pressure coach. It’s about creating a clearer division of responsibility so the parent isn’t carrying the whole process, and the student has room to take more ownership.
In practical terms, that can look like helping families build a thoughtful college list, think honestly about financial fit, and use tools like the Student-to-College Fit Score as a conversation starter rather than a final verdict. The goal is not to manage every move for them. It’s to help families move forward with more structure, more clarity, and less guesswork.
Erin: And for the family reading this and feeling some relief just hearing that, who is early bird really built for?
Carrie: Early bird is for families who want a healthier, more intentional way to approach college planning without sacrificing structure or direction. It’s for parents who don’t want to be the project manager of the process, and for students who need guidance without feeling controlled by it. Whether a family is starting early or already in the thick of high school, we’re helping them move through the process with more clarity, more ownership, and a better sense of fit.
Early bird was co-founded by Carrie Jorgenson and Jessica Shearon. You can learn more about early bird here:
Carrie also writes The Nest here on Substack, where she shares more of her perspective on college planning and the admissions process.
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This was terrific. And though I’m not yet thinking about college for my own kids, I talk to a lot of current college students about their transitions into the “real world.” Freshman and sophomores who are worried that they’re not doing “the right” internships or taking “the wrong” classes. I tell them this: when I’m hiring an intern or someone at the entry level, I’d rather they show me a deep and real level of intellectual curiosity — not just that they’ve “checked a box.” I’d rather they have spent a summer working on a farm (or in a trade), hiking, building, or teaching than if they had spent it sitting behind a computer in an office pecking away at a spreadsheet with no real ramifications.
My gut tells me that while certain places still require passing through the “prestige” gates, more and more frequently — and especially with the increasing use of AI — the “real” experience will vastly outweigh the manufactured. I want my own children to be well-worked, not just well-polished — and I’m willing to wager that even if that doesn’t result in “the right” college, they’ll be much more well-oriented for whatever comes next.
We are years after the rush up to college for any of our girls. But the checklists and "the prescribed approach" to getting into college was very much in place in the early 2000 when our oldest was in high school. Our advice to her was start with selecting 3 colleges--a sure bet (our local state university), a pretty sure bet, and a reach college. The reach college was the one she had her heart set on. A pricey private engineering school. We told her not to worry about the finance as we felt her possibility for scholarship help was high enough. She got in, graduated in 4 years and took a fork in the road and went to seminary afterwards. Not originally in her plans at all.
It worked so well for her, we gave her younger sister (by six years), the same advice. She ended up only applying to 2 colleges--her reach was Harvard--she was waited listed (and eventually offered a slot). The other college was one that she had already been offered a scholarship from them at the end of her junior year of high school. It also had a far better aligned music degree than Harvard. She was planning on ethnomusicology. The University of Rochester had Eastman Music School access as well as their own music courses. Also, it had the added benefit of legacy status as her dad, his dad, and numerous other uncles, etc., had all attended there.
Bottom line, we provided the roots and let them fly via the wings they developed over the years. They found their own "better fit."