I love this article. I remember my dad sometimes responding to me with, ‘that’s a really good question’, ‘I’m not sure of the answer to that’, and it encouraged me to keep questioning and being curious in life.
It’s a reminder for me as a parent to keep encouraging the why. So thought provoking. Thank you! 💕
Thank you so much for sharing this—that response is such a gift. It also reminds me how much I appreciated my own dad’s willingness to sit with big, nuanced questions.
Encouraging *why* doesn’t just shape how we think—it shapes how willing we are to keep wondering, long into adulthood. I love this. 💕
All I can say is you deserve instant credibility… and I would add in the upper echelons of credibility if there is such a thing. Sincere thanks and much respect xo
The "why" is so important. Growing up, the answer I got from my father was "because I said so." I was not being disrespectful. I just wanted an explanation. That's how my brain works. I try my best to explain the why whenever possible. It is definitely hard at times.
Oh, I relate to this so much, Maury. I almost always need to understand *why* something matters before I can really engage with the *how*. Knowing the objective changes everything for me.
And congratulations on the new book! I’m working on a way to incorporate books into an upcoming digest issue — keep an eye out for an email, likely early next week. I’d LOVE to include yours!!
I'm deeply grateful, Erin, for your wisdom and the care with which you offer parenting experience. I just finished reading THE ANXIOUS GENERATION by Jonathan Haidt, who writes a lot about what you offered in this piece today. I'm wondering where you find the best information that informs your essays? Books, articles, etc.? I'm looking to read about this more deeply, especially the matter of safety and our children. (Also, why did I have to put a code in to make a comment? I've never had to do that before.)
Thanks, Jeannie! I agree, Jonathan Haidt does really important work—I read him here on Substack as well.
To your question: while I do read a fair amount of parenting content—especially for PARENTreads—I spend most of my time reading and thinking about myself, and then how it relates to my role as a parent. My approach to parenting shifted years ago, when my girls and I had the opportunity to redesign our life together just the three of us. That season surfaced a lot of growth edges for me, and my work since has been shaped far more by self-examination than by focusing on parenting specifically. (Yes, I see the irony there as a parenting writer.😉 Also, this was the right path and focus for me, and isn't for everyone.) What I write grows out of lived experience and reflection.
If you’re specifically thinking about online safety, you might find this fall issue of PARENTreads helpful—it includes a range of voices and a few solid leads: https://www.unpopularparent.com/p/parentreads-issue-3
If you mean safety more broadly, I’m happy to think alongside you. Megan Saxelby does terrific work, and Dylan MacInerney is one of my favorites for staying informed and level-headed about the larger societal landscape our kids are growing up in.
And lastly—the comment code! I believe that’s a Substack spam filter thing, not you. I appreciate you pushing through it to join the conversation. 😊
Outstanding piece on something that shapes so much more than we realize. The distinction between world-why and authority-why clarifies why some questions feel harder to answer than others. When my nephew kept asking why about bedtimes last year, I realized he wasnt testing limits, he was testig whether the system made sense. The curfew example nails it becuz it shows how flexibility with reasoning can actually strenghten trust rather than weaken it.
Thank you! And what a great example. “Testing whether the system made sense” is such a clear way to name what’s actually happening in those moments, if we can step back far enough to notice. Reasoning doesn’t weaken trust when it’s honest and responsive—it often does the opposite.
Holy smokes Erin. There is such goodness, so much insight and wisdom in this essay. I read it once and need to go back and read again and again. I think I’m a pretty good parent, yet I see there is much more I could be doing differently and better.
I loved your perspective on curfew and the discussion that precedes it. The simple word version is empowering to all parties as it allows for co-creation and understanding.
Last, and perhaps most important is that I admire how your writing has gotten better and better through time. Not that it needed to, but it has. It’s something you can feel really good about 😊.
Thank you so much for taking the time to read this so carefully, James—and I love the word co-creation. I've often said our family unit would never work without 'buy-in' on both sides, but creating together deepens it in the best way.
And thank you for being here long enough to notice the growth. That meant a lot to read. I’m genuinely grateful for your presence here. 😊
I love this article. I remember my dad sometimes responding to me with, ‘that’s a really good question’, ‘I’m not sure of the answer to that’, and it encouraged me to keep questioning and being curious in life.
It’s a reminder for me as a parent to keep encouraging the why. So thought provoking. Thank you! 💕
Thank you so much for sharing this—that response is such a gift. It also reminds me how much I appreciated my own dad’s willingness to sit with big, nuanced questions.
Encouraging *why* doesn’t just shape how we think—it shapes how willing we are to keep wondering, long into adulthood. I love this. 💕
All I can say is you deserve instant credibility… and I would add in the upper echelons of credibility if there is such a thing. Sincere thanks and much respect xo
That’s incredibly kind, Kai—thank you so much!!
😃🙏⚡️
The "why" is so important. Growing up, the answer I got from my father was "because I said so." I was not being disrespectful. I just wanted an explanation. That's how my brain works. I try my best to explain the why whenever possible. It is definitely hard at times.
Oh, I relate to this so much, Maury. I almost always need to understand *why* something matters before I can really engage with the *how*. Knowing the objective changes everything for me.
And congratulations on the new book! I’m working on a way to incorporate books into an upcoming digest issue — keep an eye out for an email, likely early next week. I’d LOVE to include yours!!
Thank you so much, Erin!
I'm deeply grateful, Erin, for your wisdom and the care with which you offer parenting experience. I just finished reading THE ANXIOUS GENERATION by Jonathan Haidt, who writes a lot about what you offered in this piece today. I'm wondering where you find the best information that informs your essays? Books, articles, etc.? I'm looking to read about this more deeply, especially the matter of safety and our children. (Also, why did I have to put a code in to make a comment? I've never had to do that before.)
Thanks, Jeannie! I agree, Jonathan Haidt does really important work—I read him here on Substack as well.
To your question: while I do read a fair amount of parenting content—especially for PARENTreads—I spend most of my time reading and thinking about myself, and then how it relates to my role as a parent. My approach to parenting shifted years ago, when my girls and I had the opportunity to redesign our life together just the three of us. That season surfaced a lot of growth edges for me, and my work since has been shaped far more by self-examination than by focusing on parenting specifically. (Yes, I see the irony there as a parenting writer.😉 Also, this was the right path and focus for me, and isn't for everyone.) What I write grows out of lived experience and reflection.
If you’re specifically thinking about online safety, you might find this fall issue of PARENTreads helpful—it includes a range of voices and a few solid leads: https://www.unpopularparent.com/p/parentreads-issue-3
If you mean safety more broadly, I’m happy to think alongside you. Megan Saxelby does terrific work, and Dylan MacInerney is one of my favorites for staying informed and level-headed about the larger societal landscape our kids are growing up in.
And lastly—the comment code! I believe that’s a Substack spam filter thing, not you. I appreciate you pushing through it to join the conversation. 😊
Outstanding piece on something that shapes so much more than we realize. The distinction between world-why and authority-why clarifies why some questions feel harder to answer than others. When my nephew kept asking why about bedtimes last year, I realized he wasnt testing limits, he was testig whether the system made sense. The curfew example nails it becuz it shows how flexibility with reasoning can actually strenghten trust rather than weaken it.
Thank you! And what a great example. “Testing whether the system made sense” is such a clear way to name what’s actually happening in those moments, if we can step back far enough to notice. Reasoning doesn’t weaken trust when it’s honest and responsive—it often does the opposite.
Holy smokes Erin. There is such goodness, so much insight and wisdom in this essay. I read it once and need to go back and read again and again. I think I’m a pretty good parent, yet I see there is much more I could be doing differently and better.
I loved your perspective on curfew and the discussion that precedes it. The simple word version is empowering to all parties as it allows for co-creation and understanding.
Last, and perhaps most important is that I admire how your writing has gotten better and better through time. Not that it needed to, but it has. It’s something you can feel really good about 😊.
Thank you so much for taking the time to read this so carefully, James—and I love the word co-creation. I've often said our family unit would never work without 'buy-in' on both sides, but creating together deepens it in the best way.
And thank you for being here long enough to notice the growth. That meant a lot to read. I’m genuinely grateful for your presence here. 😊