Let’s Rethink Rewarding Kids for Basic Responsibilities

And the Importance of Challenging Them to Excel

Photo by Jonathan Castañeda on Unsplash

We've entered an era where the completion of basic tasks is celebrated as though it were exceptional. Once limited to shiny tokens handed out at the end of sports seasons, these awards now appear in many forms across all areas of life. From kindergarten graduations to completing simple chores, we applaud children for fulfilling what was once considered everyday responsibilities. While well intended, it begs the question: What are we really teaching our kids when we praise them for meeting minimal expectations?

By rewarding the completion of basic obligations instead of dedication or genuine achievement, we risk blurring the line between responsibility and excellence. This not only lowers the bar for success but also diminishes a child’s motivation to strive for more. In the long run, we may be stifling their growth, resilience, and the development of their true potential by implying that simply showing up is enough.

By celebrating everything, we ultimately diminish the value of real accomplishment.

Real World Implications

In the real world, success is measured by level of contribution and obtained results. Employees who do only what’s required might avoid immediate consequences, but promotions, raises, and advancement go to those who exceed expectations. Similarly, in college, students who merely attend classes and submit essential assignments may pass, but they miss out on the more profound growth that comes from genuine engagement and hard work.

We also see this in relationships. Friendships, partnerships, and family connections thrive on initiative and involvement. Simply being present, without active engagement or support, can strain these bonds. Meaningful relationships require more than presence—they demand commitment, communication, and effort.

Our goal is to raise contributing members of society who:

• understand their strengths,

• pursue their passions, and

• are prepared to make meaningful contributions.

And, while each child’s path may differ, the goal remains the same: to prepare them for a full and purposeful life.

So, how do we help our kids build the skills and mindset they need for real-world success?

‘Excellence’ Isn’t a Dirty Word

There is a growing push in our society to level the playing field, but in doing so, we sideline individuality, improvement, and merit. By standardizing rewards, we stifle creativity and excellence, lowering the bar so everyone qualifies for the same recognition. This approach leaves little room or motivation for children to grow—and thrive—based on their unique talents, as the desire for uniformity replaces the drive to excel. By applying a one-size-fits-all approach, we deny kids the freedom to pursue, fail, and succeed on their terms, ultimately robbing them of discovering their unique strengths and abilities.

Not every child will excel at the same thing, and that’s not just okay—it’s necessary! The diversity of talents is what makes our world vibrant and exciting. Imagine how dull life would be if we were all gifted in the same way.

Excellence is built on individual growth, exploration, and the pursuit of personal passions. And our role is to guide them toward their strengths, celebrate their progress, and encourage them to push beyond what’s expected. This is where true confidence and self-worth are developed—through achievement, perseverance, and a sense of personal accomplishment. 

Winning the Long Game with Intrinsic Motivation

When recognition is given regardless of commitment or the significance of the accomplishment, the distinction between responsibility and excellence begins to erode. Over time, this reliance on constant validation diminishes a child's internal motivation, replacing the drive to ‘strive for more’ with a mindset that simply showing up is enough.

However, when children discover their true passions—whether in sports, music, writing, or science—the need for external rewards diminishes. Their intrinsic motivation pushes them to improve, not for recognition, but because the activity itself brings fulfillment. This internal drive fosters real growth and resilience, qualities that are essential for long-term success. 

There are several key reasons why focusing on intrinsic motivation over external validation is crucial:

1. Delayed Gratification: Intrinsic motivation encourages children to understand that meaningful rewards often come from sustained effort, not immediate recognition. This teaches patience and discipline, preparing them for long-term success.

2. Mental Health Benefits: Over-reliance on external validation can foster anxiety or self-doubt when recognition is absent. In contrast, intrinsic motivation promotes self-esteem and confidence built on personal accomplishment rather than approval from others.

3. Real-World Preparation: In adulthood, praise and validation are rare, and success is earned through dedication, hard work, and persistence. Fostering intrinsic motivation prepares children for these realities, equipping them to handle setbacks and challenges with determination.

By nurturing their passions and encouraging intrinsic motivation, we empower kids to take ownership of their growth. This allows them to pursue excellence and reach their full potential without needing constant rewards or recognition for fulfilling basic expectations.

Struggle Is Real…And Necessary

By shielding children from challenges and offering unearned praise, we deprive them of a fundamental part of life—struggle. When children are constantly rewarded for minimal effort, they miss the opportunity to develop essential qualities like determination, problem-solving skills, and grit, all needed to overcome challenges. Without experiencing difficulties, they lose valuable chances to learn how to cope with disappointment and grow from it.

Struggle is a critical element of personal growth. It’s through overcoming obstacles and learning from mistakes that kids build the ability to persist in the face of adversity. These experiences not only prepare them for childhood challenges but also equip them to handle the inevitable difficulties of adulthood. Whether navigating a challenging career path or managing personal relationships, the ability to persevere becomes a lifelong asset.

Additionally, by teaching children that failure is a natural part of success, we help them cultivate the courage to try again. The joy of accomplishment becomes a reward in itself, fueling their desire for personal growth and driving them to push beyond mere participation.

Rewarding our children for essential responsibilities limits their potential. Instead, we should give them the tools to face challenges, push themselves, and grow. By guiding them to their strengths, we help them build the resilience and confidence needed for real success.

Let’s elevate their game. Success isn’t about just showing up—it’s about embracing challenges, striving for excellence, and developing the skills to thrive in a world that values effort and growth.