A Parent's Guide to the Milestones That Matter—and How to Support Your Child's Growth
Expert Insight from Jennifer Shonkoff, Author of The Childhood Curator
What developmental milestones actually matter—
and which ones don’t?
I sat down with Jennifer Shonkoff, a licensed speech-language pathologist with over a decade of experience supporting neurodiverse children and their families, to find out.
In this conversation, we explore the signs that truly matter, how to trust your instincts (even when the experts say otherwise), and why patience and play are the foundation for raising resilient kids.
If you’ve ever wondered, “Is my child on track?”—this will bring clarity and guidance you can trust.
What Language and Developmental Signs Matter Most?
Erin: You recently wrote about language milestones and what to watch for and what not to worry about, and I thought it was such a helpful piece.
For parents who are concerned, can you talk about what language and developmental signs are worth paying attention to? And on the flip side, what are some things that tend to work themselves out over time that we don’t need to worry about?
Jennifer: Absolutely. I know it's such a hot-button topic. I imagine that it’s very scary when all the kids that are your kids' age are starting to talk, and maybe your child's not necessarily there yet. You start to feel the pressure from all the comparison and “keeping up,” for lack of a better term.
Three main factors always stand out to me as clues, or what I might consider evidence-based indicators, that point towards the possibility of late-language emergence.
The first is sharing attention. We hear so much about ‘eye contact’—are they making eye contact? It's not only about two people looking at each other. It's, is this child looking at their caregiver joyfully for a certain amount of time? Are they able to look at something that they're interested in, notice that their caregiver is also looking at that interesting thing, sustain attention on that object/person/place of interest, and then look back up at that caregiver? That's the social connection that I'm looking for–what we call engagement and social reciprocity. We learn how to speak and communicate through our connection with other people, so if that's not there, then we need to provide scaffolded opportunities. We need to figure out why that's so difficult for this child.
Ultimately, language doesn't happen in an inner monologue. It happens conversationally. It happens with another person.
The second one is gesturing. If we don't see that a child is starting to gesture to something, whether it's reaching with their whole hand, pushing away with their whole hand, or pointing, it demonstrates to me that they're not necessarily starting to develop symbolic thinking. Spoken words are also a symbolic way we communicate, so these types of gestures are a first step towards symbolism.
Erin: And what age are we talking about here?
Jennifer: Engagement should start around three months, think about when babies start to smile back at us, that's when we should be starting to see it happen. But again, the milestone markers are really there for diagnosing, they're not there to decide if you're a good parent or not. I really want to hammer that home.
Erin: Yeah, Can we put that in the title?
Jennifer: That’s a good title! It's actually what I'm talking about in my next post—milestones are not a reflection of your parenting. These developmental milestones help us predict what might happen later on in development (also known as a prognostic indicator).
Gestural development begins around six months, but by ten months, a child should really be pointing and reaching; these are simple gestures. The main purpose of these gestures is to draw someone’s attention, which, again, relates back to engagement, right? That's why I discussed sharing attention first because it all ultimately comes back to engagement.
So it's engagement, it's gestures, and the third aspect is reciprocity. Is my child getting into a repetitive back-and-forth with me? Are they able to imitate me during vocal play, like if they say “ah” and I repeat “ah” back, do they then say it back to me again? Can we get into a nice flow? If I change the sound, do they repeat my change of the sound?
That's where we start to see that jump in cognition, when kids are able to accept and adapt to change. This is actually a hallmark challenge for most neurodivergent individuals. They can get into these repetitive exchanges in play and sometimes in communicating, but if something unexpectedly changes or a problem arises, then usually the interaction ends, because it's no longer predictable and it's not routine. Something in their brain says, “That’s different, and different is wrong. What is this? I don't know how to interpret this, so I'm just gonna leave.”
Trust Your Gut: When to Step In (and How)
Erin: So, if I’m concerned about my child, what should I do? Where do I start?
Jennifer: First of all, they're going to know that something's wrong. Parents usually know. So that's why I don't want to push this idea of “red flag milestones,” because you know when something's not right—you know in your gut.
Often what happens, unfortunately,—when I attend conferences by the American Speech and Hearing Association, this topic comes up a lot—people will go to their pediatrician, and the pediatrician will say, “They're fine. Just give them a little bit more time.” And maybe that is the right advice for that time, you know? Maybe a parent is overly concerned from seeing all this stuff on the internet? But also, what ends up happening is that doctors or other professionals will often say, “He’s just a boy, and boys develop later than girls. This is expected. You’re stressing out over nothing.” The parent is sitting there saying, “No. I know in my gut something's wrong. Why are you telling me everything's OK????”
So if that's the feedback that you're getting from a pediatrician or any kind of doctor that you have a good relationship with and you trust, then you could either get a second opinion from a developmental pediatrician who has a subspecialty in child development. That would be my number one recommendation.
My second recommendation would be to go ahead and start seeking out evaluations from Speech, OT, PT, or whatever area you have a concern about—especially if they are between zero and three years old. We have birth-to-three early intervention programs all over the United States. How you go about that is individualized to your state. I don't know how someone might go about getting that funding or seeking those evaluations in Texas, but in New York State, we have a birth-to-three directory on the NY(dot)gov website where you can find approved providers. Your other option is of course to go the private route.
Erin: Oh, that's really helpful. And if I’m ‘evaluating an evaluator,’ is there anything specific I’m looking for? What signals to a parent that they’re in the right spot when they’re dealing with an evaluator?
Jennifer: The number one thing that I would parse out is: is this evaluator listening to me, the parent, and taking me seriously as the expert on my child? You want an evaluator that's going to put in the time without wasting your time.
I typically evaluate, let's say, a two-year-old who's not speaking over the course of two one-hour sessions. My expertise is conducting developmental, play-based evaluations. Some evaluators will just use standardized testing. I think best practice is to use a little bit of both.
In addition to a background history form, I will usually give parents a research-based, standardized developmental checklist to fill out. Often, it includes a vocabulary inventory and some basic questions about following directions and understanding familiar words—those types of questions.
It’s also really important to note that If you’re getting an evaluation after they turn one year old, make sure you can share as much information as possible about their early development, especially those first 12 months.
Erin: You mentioned some key developmental indicators earlier. How much does a parent’s level of involvement impact those? For example, does regular communication help keep a child on track? I’m thinking about busy parents who may not have a ton of time with their kids during a routine day.
Jennifer: I believe that it’s really evident when a parent understands their child, regardless of whether or not opportunities are limited due to work, financial strain, and/or environmental stressors. It's also usually clear that they have a strong relationship and are connected to their child. They spend quality time together, even if that time is limited, and they're doing meaningful activities together as a family.
It's also unfortunately noticeable when parents don’t know how to relate to their children. In that situation, I focus primarily on building a relationship with the parents, because I have to consider all of life’s stressors. I never want to place judgment and blame, when they could be working two or more jobs as a single parent while simultaneously caring for an aging parent.
I have worked with families across the socioeconomic spectrum, so I can say without a doubt that SES doesn't have anything to do with effort. It's all about being thoughtful and motivated to connect with your child. If you can love your kid and your kid feels loved and taken care of, then it's going to be easier to challenge them, because you're really going to understand each other.
Can Parents Be Too Involved? (Short Answer: Yes)
Erin: Can we be too hands-on?
Jennifer: I think sometimes, yes. Overinvestment comes when you try to throw anything at what you perceive to be a problem and expect a magical solution. It has nothing to do with resources. I think it comes back to this notion that we see development as something that needs to be “fixed,” and a lot of the time, it's about accepting that our children are who they are. If they learn differently or their ability to communicate is delayed, then we have to accept that that's who they are right now.
Part of parenthood is saying, “I believe in you, and I believe that you can become the best version of yourself.” If there's a distinct challenge related to their personhood, we need to love them and support them for who they are, while pushing them to grow within their range of “normal.” Versus saying, “Okay, my kid can't read, so I'm not only going to send them to a different school, I'm also going to get you a tutor, sign you up for a reading boot camp over the summer, and we’re gonna do three extra hours of reading a night together.” That's where it becomes overkill. You want to hire the tutor? I think that's amazing, but you definitely don't need to read for three extra hours after school and tutoring.
Eat dinner together, talk about your days, and then, of course, read together—for 20-30 minutes—before they go to bed. Let them also go to summer camp (if it’s financially feasible) and have a good time. Sign them up for basketball and ballet. Let them explore their creative side. It doesn't have to be reading all the time if they have Dyslexia.
Erin: Would it be safe to say that we can get so hyper-focused on the challenge that we miss out on finding other opportunities where our kids might be highly successful?
Jennifer: Exactly.
Erin: Ones that are only discoverable by living life and broadening interactions and engaging in other activities.
Jennifer: Right, exactly. I think there's this huge—I don't know if it's us as millennials, but—there's this huge emphasis on travel. You have to travel for the experiences. You have to see other things. You have to be in other places.
But you can also be exposed to those same things in your own neighborhood, in your own community. You can seek out those same types of passions locally to you. It doesn't have to be, “Kids, we're going from Texas to New York City to learn about art.”
There are great art museums in your local town. There are galleries and local artists who are creating things that you can find online, and you can go visit their studios. Art doesn't have to only exist in this gorgeous Georgian building situated in the middle of town that's showcasing art from the last 500 years. There's so much opportunity locally, and kids find their passions anywhere.
Erin: And local can be more digestible, right? It feels like part of everyday life rather than a rare event or constant rush.
Jennifer: Yeah, and overexerting yourself, right? Spending all of your money this year on trips, because in order for kids to learn, they need to be “cultured,” and cultured means travel. That's not necessarily the case.
Erin: That’s weighted insight coming from a New Yorker.
Jennifer: Yeah, I mean, I grew up in Atlanta. I've lived all over—I've lived in the South, I've lived in the Midwest, I've lived on the East Coast now for a really long time, and all three of them presented their own very distinct cultural experiences.
I learned a lot from meeting other people from other parts of the country and being a part of different communities. I saw what those communities have been able to provide in terms of culture and resources.
The Top Three Parenting Moves for Growing Independence
Erin: I'm curious, if you were speaking to a room of new parents, what are the top three things you’d encourage them to do—or not do—regardless of where their child is developmentally?
Jennifer: Number one is to play.
You have to be able to play. You can also just be playful, but you have to play. Playing is really hard for adults because we haven't done it for a really long time. Also, not everybody enjoyed playing as a kid, and not everybody was played with as a kid.
Erin: That's a really good point.
Jennifer: Right, so not everyone feels comfortable, but you have to be able to be playful. That would be number one.
Number two is–I would talk to your kids all the time.
Talk to them until it drives them crazy. Talk to them when you think it doesn't matter, but stay connected to your kids and talk to them. Even if they don't respond, it's again about connection, that social reciprocity. From a very young age, I would just talk all the time.
The third thing is patience.
Patience is really, really challenging as a parent, but patience is also how you challenge kids. If you can be patient, you can let kids figure out their own problems. But if you can't be patient in the moment, you could either become emotionally reactive or solve the problem for them. Then they're not thinking, and they're not innovating, and they're not communicating as well as they could be, and you're doing all the thinking for them.
We want them to be thinking for themselves as much as possible. That's how they develop critical thinking skills. So yes, modeling is important, bringing ideas to the table and showing them how to do things or guiding them along is important, but the only way I've been able to scaffold learning is by developing patience. It's really hard! It's really, really hard.
Those would be the three main things.
Practical Resources for Parents
Erin: Are there any resources—books, programs, frameworks—that you would recommend for parents who want to take a deeper dive into any of the things that we've talked about?
Jennifer: Ooh, that's a good question. When it comes to understanding dysregulation—and the fear many parents have about pushing their kids too far, to the point of upsetting them—it can be hard to know what to do. Especially when kids push back as you try to challenge them or help them break out of certain habits.
I always recommend The Whole Brain Child by Dr. Dan Siegel. I think he's so brilliant at writing about the way that the brain processes information, and he’s able to share these ideas in a really digestible way for parents. I've recommended it to friends, and they've really loved it.
I also always recommend T. Barry Brazelton's book, TouchPoints. It goes from birth up until adolescence, and it gives thorough guidelines to any parenting challenge that could come up, like How do I set limits? Should I punish my kids? How should I set up routines? Even though the book is over 30 years old, it’s still really relevant today. I just love that book.
Erin: Where can readers find you?
Jennifer: They can find me on Substack at The Childhood Curator, where I share fun, practical language-based strategies. I have a column called Add to Cart, where I will curate different types of books and toys that I think are actually worth the money, and provide background information about the different ways you can support your child’s language with those resources.
And then I share the ‘oh, duh’ posts, too, like Learning in the Real World? Try the Grocery Aisle. Things that you're already doing that you don't even realize that you're doing.
If a reader ever needs anything—any advice or educational consulting, my email is available on my About page. They can set up a free 15 minute call to ask questions about their worries and fears, evaluations, the IEP process, and also more fun questions like curating a birthday gift list or creating a summer activity plan. From there, we can decide on a plan together.
Related Articles Mentioned:
They’re Not Talking Yet, Should I Be Worried?
Add to Cart: Books About Words That Aren’t Dictionaries
Jennifer Shonkoff is a licensed and American Speech-Language-Hearing Association–certified speech-language pathologist with over 10 years of expertise supporting neurodiverse individuals and their families in school and at home. She has also received an Advanced DIRFloortime® certification from the International Council on Development and Learning.
Jennifer has presented at numerous professional conferences on a variety of topics, including supporting language development and resilience through play, picky eating and mealtime, gestalt language processing in autistic individuals, and sharing interdisciplinary case studies.
In addition to her work in education, Jennifer is the author of The Childhood Curator: A Playful Guide to Supplying a Happy Childhood, a newsletter that shares practical recommendations for promoting language development through a joyful, play-based childhood. She has also contributed to ParentData.
Thank you for this, Erin. My youngest (age 5) I suspect needs speech therapy, though he is fully verbal. He just struggles a lot with language, hasn't yet mastered his ABCs, and does speak with an impediment. This was helpful!