I wish more people talked about the REAL needs of children and how, at least for a moment in every parent’s life, those have to be more important than a parent’s desires. We can have it all, but not all at once.
I wish we could talk more about brain development, hormones, and how we can most optimally honor these within our children without it being a triggering topic because at the end of the day, biology isn’t made to shame us. It just is what it is.
Yes to all of this. The tension between our own desires and what our kids actually need is such a real and humbling part of parenting—and one that doesn’t get talked about enough. And I completely agree about biology. Understanding things like brain development and hormones shouldn’t be triggering; it should help us meet our kids where they are, without shame or judgment. Thank you for bringing this up—it’s such an important conversation.
Absolutely. Some days (or weeks or seasons) it’s beyond just “tired”—it’s bone-deep exhaustion that feels impossible to put into words. There has to be a better way, right? I’m so glad you added this.
Teaching them the balance between acquiescing to an authority figure because they are in charge vs. knowing when to push back because the authority figure has crossed the line. (Something that's hard in adulthood too!)
Such a tricky balance to teach—and honestly, one I’m still figuring out myself. Helping our kids trust their instincts while respecting authority is no small thing. Love that you brought this up!
Totally agree that being able to admit when we are wrong and apologize is key. I think modeling how to accept apologies and forgive others is the flip side to this. And I also love letting my kids know when they teach me something. I feel like I often learn how to be a better parent by paying attention to them.
I entirely agree with all three, Kyle. And must confess, I’m still learning not to hide my feelings and emotions—trying to find the middle (and appropriate) ground with that one.
I wish people would talk about and nurture the spiritual need in our children and in humanity in general without it turning people off. I believe in separation of church and state but I also think when going gets tough, I would like all kids to keep faith- they are not alone. I think of the David Foster Wallace quote- “Humans need to worship. it’s best to worship God or Buddha etc because if you worship anything else, it will be the death of you. “
I love this! That longing for something deeper—something that anchors our kids beyond the noise—is so important, and yet it often feels like tricky territory to navigate out loud. And the David Foster Wallace quote is such a powerful reminder that we all place our faith somewhere, whether we’re conscious of it or not. I think you’re right. Helping our kids hold on to a sense that they’re not alone, especially when things get hard, is something we could be better at talking about—yet doing it 'well' without turning people away or off is a skill not many have. There’s a real danger in myopic thinking, in believing the self is the only center. Exploring spirituality, in whatever form it takes, often opens the door to service, humility, and purpose. And that’s something most are hungry for but don’t always know how to name.
I wish more folks talked about the idea that there is no balance, it is never going to level out. The caretaking, the demands, the laundry list of administrative things to manage, etc. Normalizing that everything is always in flux and just a matter of managing resources. I feel like people are always replying with either, "as soon as they hit X stage it gets easier," when in reality it just gets different. I wish more folks would normalize that you're never really going to level out and that is ok.
Yes to all of this, Megan! I think so many of us are holding out for that mythical moment. But you’re right, it’s not about things getting easier, it’s about things getting different. I love how you framed it as “always in flux.” That feels like such a healthier, more realistic way to look at it. If we could normalize that, I think a lot of us would feel less like we’re doing something wrong when life refuses to settle down.
Me too! The proverbial carrot dangling… the hamster wheel… we never really arrive, do we? I’m so glad you added this to the discussion—it needs to be said.
I'm struggling with this too. I am in a family of people who believe some profoundly different things than I do. Sending you love and strength. You are not alone.
This is such a profound and tender question, Ryan—and one we should be talking about more. How do we stay connected when our truths are different? I think what you’re naming is the quiet, ongoing work of honoring the relationship itself—staying present and invested, even when we may not fully understand or agree. And it’s never simple. How we navigate that depends on so many things—their age, their personality, your history together, and the world around you. Sometimes it means standing close. Sometimes it means giving space. But always holding onto the relationship with care and intention. These are the conversations we need more of—the ones that acknowledge how complex it can be to love well when things aren’t easy or clear.
More to come on this. There's enormous value to continuing this particular conversation, and I always appreciate your contributions.
Thank you Erin, I deeply value the growth this awakens in me and the opportunity to better understand the nature of love. I also feel impulses to protect, which is born from a place of love but is limited by my own understanding and experience of life. I try to let love, which always involves the surrender of self, lead the way.
Such a powerful question! The shift in priorities, and the constant giving of yourself can be hard to navigate.Talking about the struggles of finding yourself again, after becoming a parent, would be helpful.
Yes! This resonates so much, Carrie. That feeling of constantly giving yourself away, piece by piece, and then realizing you’re not quite sure where you went. It’s such a quiet, tricky part of parenting that doesn’t get nearly enough air time. Thank you for putting it into words—I have a feeling a lot of us are walking through this same thing.
1. That you can read all the how-to books in the world ("What to Expect When You're Expecting," etc.), but the only way you can know how to parent is to be one.
2. No one knows the dynamic between you and your child better than you.
3. When you get angry with your child, it's likely due to an unhealed wound of your own.
4. You won't be perfect, but you can repair and reconnect.
5. What do you do when your child needs "extra" help--in school because of a learning disability, through outpatient OT and PT because of gross and fine motor delays?
6. How do you find where you belong/your community when you are running from one surgery or medical appointment to the next?
7. What does self-care look like at each stage, and how do you foster it?
8. How can you be honest about your life without complaining/venting OR presenting some shiny facade?
Every single one of these could be its own discussion thread (and maybe they should be!), Jeannie. You’ve named the things so many parents carry quietly—the unspoken doubts, the heavy logistics, the guilt over not being able to “do it all,” and the ache for connection in the middle of it. And "What do you do when your kid is the bully?" That’s one we're starting to hear about a little, but not nearly enough—and it’s so brave to name it. Thank you for sharing all of this!
Yes, I think they COULD be discussion threads…maybe a topic for another podcast, Erin? It would be fun to have a candid conversation with you about these!
I wish more people talked about the REAL needs of children and how, at least for a moment in every parent’s life, those have to be more important than a parent’s desires. We can have it all, but not all at once.
I wish we could talk more about brain development, hormones, and how we can most optimally honor these within our children without it being a triggering topic because at the end of the day, biology isn’t made to shame us. It just is what it is.
Yes to all of this. The tension between our own desires and what our kids actually need is such a real and humbling part of parenting—and one that doesn’t get talked about enough. And I completely agree about biology. Understanding things like brain development and hormones shouldn’t be triggering; it should help us meet our kids where they are, without shame or judgment. Thank you for bringing this up—it’s such an important conversation.
How exhausting it can be. Yea we all joke that it’s hard and we are tired but some days it’s just too much.
Absolutely. Some days (or weeks or seasons) it’s beyond just “tired”—it’s bone-deep exhaustion that feels impossible to put into words. There has to be a better way, right? I’m so glad you added this.
Teaching them the balance between acquiescing to an authority figure because they are in charge vs. knowing when to push back because the authority figure has crossed the line. (Something that's hard in adulthood too!)
Such a tricky balance to teach—and honestly, one I’m still figuring out myself. Helping our kids trust their instincts while respecting authority is no small thing. Love that you brought this up!
How damn hard it is to be a step-parent.
Oh, that's an important one. Way harder than anyone mentions—or maybe harder than anyone can even explain. We need to do better.
My step-daughters' biological mom used to say, "The only thing harder than parenting is step-parenting." I so appreciated her recognizing that!
What a tremendous gift that she recognized. I love that.
Apologizing to our children, owning our mistakes, and not hiding our feelings/emotions as parents
Totally agree that being able to admit when we are wrong and apologize is key. I think modeling how to accept apologies and forgive others is the flip side to this. And I also love letting my kids know when they teach me something. I feel like I often learn how to be a better parent by paying attention to them.
Love that Kristi. Love highlighting things like that too. Empowering moments
I entirely agree with all three, Kyle. And must confess, I’m still learning not to hide my feelings and emotions—trying to find the middle (and appropriate) ground with that one.
Lifelong endeavor! There is no destination, just continuous attempts to do better.
One bonus answer that I would argue are more important than the other three I gave: being a good parent means loving the other parent.
Important addition 👊🏻
Thanks for the great considerations and content as always Erin.
PS - one of my mentors from grad school, who I spoke with just yesterday, is named Erin Miller haha
Haha! Can't get away from us.
Always appreciate your insight and contribution.
Absolutely. And I love that bonus answer! I'm inclined to add—whenever it’s safely possible to do so.
I wish people would talk about and nurture the spiritual need in our children and in humanity in general without it turning people off. I believe in separation of church and state but I also think when going gets tough, I would like all kids to keep faith- they are not alone. I think of the David Foster Wallace quote- “Humans need to worship. it’s best to worship God or Buddha etc because if you worship anything else, it will be the death of you. “
I love this! That longing for something deeper—something that anchors our kids beyond the noise—is so important, and yet it often feels like tricky territory to navigate out loud. And the David Foster Wallace quote is such a powerful reminder that we all place our faith somewhere, whether we’re conscious of it or not. I think you’re right. Helping our kids hold on to a sense that they’re not alone, especially when things get hard, is something we could be better at talking about—yet doing it 'well' without turning people away or off is a skill not many have. There’s a real danger in myopic thinking, in believing the self is the only center. Exploring spirituality, in whatever form it takes, often opens the door to service, humility, and purpose. And that’s something most are hungry for but don’t always know how to name.
I wish more folks talked about the idea that there is no balance, it is never going to level out. The caretaking, the demands, the laundry list of administrative things to manage, etc. Normalizing that everything is always in flux and just a matter of managing resources. I feel like people are always replying with either, "as soon as they hit X stage it gets easier," when in reality it just gets different. I wish more folks would normalize that you're never really going to level out and that is ok.
100%
Yes to all of this, Megan! I think so many of us are holding out for that mythical moment. But you’re right, it’s not about things getting easier, it’s about things getting different. I love how you framed it as “always in flux.” That feels like such a healthier, more realistic way to look at it. If we could normalize that, I think a lot of us would feel less like we’re doing something wrong when life refuses to settle down.
yes, that's it, at least for me 😆 I would feel less like I was doing something wrong.
Me too! The proverbial carrot dangling… the hamster wheel… we never really arrive, do we? I’m so glad you added this to the discussion—it needs to be said.
How do you nurture the relationship with a child in a gender transition when your truth is different from theirs?
I'm struggling with this too. I am in a family of people who believe some profoundly different things than I do. Sending you love and strength. You are not alone.
This is such a profound and tender question, Ryan—and one we should be talking about more. How do we stay connected when our truths are different? I think what you’re naming is the quiet, ongoing work of honoring the relationship itself—staying present and invested, even when we may not fully understand or agree. And it’s never simple. How we navigate that depends on so many things—their age, their personality, your history together, and the world around you. Sometimes it means standing close. Sometimes it means giving space. But always holding onto the relationship with care and intention. These are the conversations we need more of—the ones that acknowledge how complex it can be to love well when things aren’t easy or clear.
More to come on this. There's enormous value to continuing this particular conversation, and I always appreciate your contributions.
Thank you Erin, I deeply value the growth this awakens in me and the opportunity to better understand the nature of love. I also feel impulses to protect, which is born from a place of love but is limited by my own understanding and experience of life. I try to let love, which always involves the surrender of self, lead the way.
Ryan, that's a big one with complicated edges. That's a lot to hold as a parent 🩷 sending you lots of love.
Such a powerful question! The shift in priorities, and the constant giving of yourself can be hard to navigate.Talking about the struggles of finding yourself again, after becoming a parent, would be helpful.
Yes! This resonates so much, Carrie. That feeling of constantly giving yourself away, piece by piece, and then realizing you’re not quite sure where you went. It’s such a quiet, tricky part of parenting that doesn’t get nearly enough air time. Thank you for putting it into words—I have a feeling a lot of us are walking through this same thing.
There are so many, Erin:
1. That you can read all the how-to books in the world ("What to Expect When You're Expecting," etc.), but the only way you can know how to parent is to be one.
2. No one knows the dynamic between you and your child better than you.
3. When you get angry with your child, it's likely due to an unhealed wound of your own.
4. You won't be perfect, but you can repair and reconnect.
5. What do you do when your child needs "extra" help--in school because of a learning disability, through outpatient OT and PT because of gross and fine motor delays?
6. How do you find where you belong/your community when you are running from one surgery or medical appointment to the next?
7. What does self-care look like at each stage, and how do you foster it?
8. How can you be honest about your life without complaining/venting OR presenting some shiny facade?
9. How do you talk to your kids about death?
10. What do you do when your kid is the bully?
Every single one of these could be its own discussion thread (and maybe they should be!), Jeannie. You’ve named the things so many parents carry quietly—the unspoken doubts, the heavy logistics, the guilt over not being able to “do it all,” and the ache for connection in the middle of it. And "What do you do when your kid is the bully?" That’s one we're starting to hear about a little, but not nearly enough—and it’s so brave to name it. Thank you for sharing all of this!
Yes, I think they COULD be discussion threads…maybe a topic for another podcast, Erin? It would be fun to have a candid conversation with you about these!