Honesty. That’s my hill. I can handle just about anything, but I have a significant aversion to being blindsided by hidden details or offerings of half-truths.
In our house, transparency isn’t just a rule—it’s a commitment. It’s how we build trust, even when the truth is messy, uncomfortable, or hard to hear. My girls know this is non-negotiable.
That also means I have to be ready to listen, no matter what they say. If I want the truth, I have to be willing to hear it and respond in a way that keeps the door open. No shutting down, no overreacting. Just honesty met with honesty. And it only works if we all buy in.
It’s not always easy, but it’s the foundation on which everything else is built.
I read everything before replying; i hope i didn't miss anything. I want to cheat a little bit by building on some other comments on Honesty and Kindness: one thing we have insisted on for kids is respect. Respect for other people, regardless of attributes; respet for self: they are equally deserving of respect from others. I once told a Grade 2 teacher that i expect my kid to respect (be kind, honest, etc) others and that i expected my kid to be treated similarly; furthermore, i politely told the teacher that i expected her to let us know if either was not the case so we could work together to fix that. Her jaw dropped and she had no reply.
But, if there is nothing else i have contributed to the development of at least one of my children, it is my insistence that they take what others say to them with a grain of salt. My firstborn had a way of accepting as truth everything his best buddy said. When he spouted some supposed fact and i asked where he had got that from, i told him that i disagreed with him and here's why. He could listen to his friends and note what they said; but, i suggested that he talk to other people, other kids, teachers, and look up things, in books and online, to corroborate what other people told them. My wife even told our kids that there would be a time that they would disagree with things we said. It's okay to disagree; just have reasons for doing so; reasons based on thought and research. In fact, she went so far as to insist that, if their parents were talking nonsense, they should at least talk it over amongst themselves on how to deal with us.
I have lost arguments. I have learned much from arguments i've lost (however painfully). But, if i provide a justification for what i'm thinking or opinions that i have, they're willing to listen. Now, they're in their early twenties. And we've both apologized to them for the world in which they are living. However, at least they get the respect thing while being capable of thinking critically. Every election, policies and platforms are big deal in our household and we all have to justify why we're thinking of voting in a certain way. I myself have voted for candidates of three different parties at the federal level in Canada depending on base policies, current issues, and what i've felt was best for the country. My wife and kids do that too. I write this as Ontario has its provincial election to day. I voted when the polls opened this morning. My firstborn voted early to accommodate his schedule. He had actually sent us a link to a summary list of policies and plans by candidate. Yes, i'm bloody proud.
Thank you so much for sharing this. I love how you’ve woven together respect and critical thinking. It’s remarkable to see how you’ve taught your kids to value others without losing themselves in the process.
I also admire your willingness to lose arguments and learn from them. It takes humility and strength to model that for your kids. You’ve given them a gift not just in teaching them to think critically, but in showing them how to engage with ideas (and people) they don’t always agree with.
And yes, you absolutely have every reason to be bloody proud. It sounds like you’ve raised not just critical thinkers but empathetic, thoughtful human beings. That’s no small thing.
To be human is messy, unpredictable, and uncontrollable. It is vulnerable. Failure is part and parcel of humanness.
But to be human is also creative, beautiful, and wild. Humans can grow and adapt. Humans are alive.
Your resistance to a world dominated by commerce and machines will be in your humanity. Humans cannot be split into binary code or labeled. A flourishing human cannot be easily manipulated. The more you embrace your own flawed humanity and lean into your quirks, inconsistencies, and passions, the better you can love the world.
I love how you framed it—not just as permission to be unpolished and vulnerable but as an act of resistance and a necessity. There’s so much power in embracing our flawed humanity, especially in a world that demands perfection and productivity.
I’m with you—our quirks, inconsistencies, and passions are what make us fully alive. What an important reminder that love is messy and connection is found in our shared humanity.
Be intentional. Parents mess up so much more from acting without thought or reason than from flawed information or bad intentions. Our own parents cautioned us not to blindly follow our friends as they jumped off the bridge, but we forget that rule in our parenting. Don't end up doing what "everyone else does." If you don't have a reason to act, your action may not be needed at all.
It only takes a couple of extra seconds to put some thought into it. Pause to make sure you're taking in all the information available, including your own emotions. You can even rethink things after the moment has passed. The only bad mistakes are the ones you repeat, because it means you didn't learn from them. Make pausing for introspection a habit and not only will your child benefit, but your relationship with him or her will be stronger and more balanced.
This is so beautifully said, and I couldn’t agree more—intentionality changes everything. It’s so easy to get caught up in reacting instead of responding, especially when we’re exhausted or overwhelmed. But that pause, that moment of introspection, can make all the difference. And sometimes, doing nothing is the best next right step.
I love how you framed it as learning rather than perfection. It’s a reminder that messing up isn’t the problem—it’s refusing to grow from it that keeps us stuck.
Thanks for sharing this, Bart. It’s a valuable reminder to lead with purpose and presence.
As I think about the question, I realize I have a lot of "hills," or non-negotiables. And I'm wondering if maybe my expectations are too high as a parent.
If I had to choose, though, I would say kindness is at the top of the list. I do not tolerate violence in any form, whether verbal (name-calling, bullying, character assassinations) or physical. I do not condone social aggression in the form of ostracism, either. Kindness matters in our family. And when I use that word, I mean this: to consider the other person and respond to them in a way that is compassionate and understanding.
Naturally, this doesn't happen all the time. But that's where the coaching comes in to play.
I think this is of utmost importance to me because of Sarah's diagnosis. I've witnessed the cruelty of others, and I have also experienced it myself.
Thank you for the thought-provoking exercise today, Erin. You got me thinking a bit deeper, and I appreciate that.
Thank you for sharing this, Jeannie—I have so much (ongoing) respect for your honesty and vulnerability. And I hadn't thought about the struggle of balancing non-negotiables with the fear of setting the bar too high. I'll be reflecting on that, for sure.
Your commitment to kindness is so evident. I love how you define it—not as passive politeness but as an intentional act of compassion and understanding. That’s powerful. And it’s clear that this comes from a place of deep empathy and experience.
I also resonate with the ongoing coaching aspect. It’s a reminder that our non-negotiables are less about rules and more about values we’re teaching over and over again.
Thank you for sharing your heart on this—I’m always grateful to be in conversation with you.
Yes! Kindness and "being nice" are so different. And now YOU just inspired ME to write something on this. Thank you, Erin. You act as my muse more often than I tell you.
Honesty. That’s my hill. I can handle just about anything, but I have a significant aversion to being blindsided by hidden details or offerings of half-truths.
In our house, transparency isn’t just a rule—it’s a commitment. It’s how we build trust, even when the truth is messy, uncomfortable, or hard to hear. My girls know this is non-negotiable.
That also means I have to be ready to listen, no matter what they say. If I want the truth, I have to be willing to hear it and respond in a way that keeps the door open. No shutting down, no overreacting. Just honesty met with honesty. And it only works if we all buy in.
It’s not always easy, but it’s the foundation on which everything else is built.
reason #312 whey I like you
Thank you, my friend!
I read everything before replying; i hope i didn't miss anything. I want to cheat a little bit by building on some other comments on Honesty and Kindness: one thing we have insisted on for kids is respect. Respect for other people, regardless of attributes; respet for self: they are equally deserving of respect from others. I once told a Grade 2 teacher that i expect my kid to respect (be kind, honest, etc) others and that i expected my kid to be treated similarly; furthermore, i politely told the teacher that i expected her to let us know if either was not the case so we could work together to fix that. Her jaw dropped and she had no reply.
But, if there is nothing else i have contributed to the development of at least one of my children, it is my insistence that they take what others say to them with a grain of salt. My firstborn had a way of accepting as truth everything his best buddy said. When he spouted some supposed fact and i asked where he had got that from, i told him that i disagreed with him and here's why. He could listen to his friends and note what they said; but, i suggested that he talk to other people, other kids, teachers, and look up things, in books and online, to corroborate what other people told them. My wife even told our kids that there would be a time that they would disagree with things we said. It's okay to disagree; just have reasons for doing so; reasons based on thought and research. In fact, she went so far as to insist that, if their parents were talking nonsense, they should at least talk it over amongst themselves on how to deal with us.
I have lost arguments. I have learned much from arguments i've lost (however painfully). But, if i provide a justification for what i'm thinking or opinions that i have, they're willing to listen. Now, they're in their early twenties. And we've both apologized to them for the world in which they are living. However, at least they get the respect thing while being capable of thinking critically. Every election, policies and platforms are big deal in our household and we all have to justify why we're thinking of voting in a certain way. I myself have voted for candidates of three different parties at the federal level in Canada depending on base policies, current issues, and what i've felt was best for the country. My wife and kids do that too. I write this as Ontario has its provincial election to day. I voted when the polls opened this morning. My firstborn voted early to accommodate his schedule. He had actually sent us a link to a summary list of policies and plans by candidate. Yes, i'm bloody proud.
Thank you so much for sharing this. I love how you’ve woven together respect and critical thinking. It’s remarkable to see how you’ve taught your kids to value others without losing themselves in the process.
I also admire your willingness to lose arguments and learn from them. It takes humility and strength to model that for your kids. You’ve given them a gift not just in teaching them to think critically, but in showing them how to engage with ideas (and people) they don’t always agree with.
And yes, you absolutely have every reason to be bloody proud. It sounds like you’ve raised not just critical thinkers but empathetic, thoughtful human beings. That’s no small thing.
Be human.
To be human is messy, unpredictable, and uncontrollable. It is vulnerable. Failure is part and parcel of humanness.
But to be human is also creative, beautiful, and wild. Humans can grow and adapt. Humans are alive.
Your resistance to a world dominated by commerce and machines will be in your humanity. Humans cannot be split into binary code or labeled. A flourishing human cannot be easily manipulated. The more you embrace your own flawed humanity and lean into your quirks, inconsistencies, and passions, the better you can love the world.
Oh, this is so good, Lindsey. Be human.
I love how you framed it—not just as permission to be unpolished and vulnerable but as an act of resistance and a necessity. There’s so much power in embracing our flawed humanity, especially in a world that demands perfection and productivity.
I’m with you—our quirks, inconsistencies, and passions are what make us fully alive. What an important reminder that love is messy and connection is found in our shared humanity.
Thanks for this!
Be intentional. Parents mess up so much more from acting without thought or reason than from flawed information or bad intentions. Our own parents cautioned us not to blindly follow our friends as they jumped off the bridge, but we forget that rule in our parenting. Don't end up doing what "everyone else does." If you don't have a reason to act, your action may not be needed at all.
It only takes a couple of extra seconds to put some thought into it. Pause to make sure you're taking in all the information available, including your own emotions. You can even rethink things after the moment has passed. The only bad mistakes are the ones you repeat, because it means you didn't learn from them. Make pausing for introspection a habit and not only will your child benefit, but your relationship with him or her will be stronger and more balanced.
This is so beautifully said, and I couldn’t agree more—intentionality changes everything. It’s so easy to get caught up in reacting instead of responding, especially when we’re exhausted or overwhelmed. But that pause, that moment of introspection, can make all the difference. And sometimes, doing nothing is the best next right step.
I love how you framed it as learning rather than perfection. It’s a reminder that messing up isn’t the problem—it’s refusing to grow from it that keeps us stuck.
Thanks for sharing this, Bart. It’s a valuable reminder to lead with purpose and presence.
As I think about the question, I realize I have a lot of "hills," or non-negotiables. And I'm wondering if maybe my expectations are too high as a parent.
If I had to choose, though, I would say kindness is at the top of the list. I do not tolerate violence in any form, whether verbal (name-calling, bullying, character assassinations) or physical. I do not condone social aggression in the form of ostracism, either. Kindness matters in our family. And when I use that word, I mean this: to consider the other person and respond to them in a way that is compassionate and understanding.
Naturally, this doesn't happen all the time. But that's where the coaching comes in to play.
I think this is of utmost importance to me because of Sarah's diagnosis. I've witnessed the cruelty of others, and I have also experienced it myself.
Thank you for the thought-provoking exercise today, Erin. You got me thinking a bit deeper, and I appreciate that.
Thank you for sharing this, Jeannie—I have so much (ongoing) respect for your honesty and vulnerability. And I hadn't thought about the struggle of balancing non-negotiables with the fear of setting the bar too high. I'll be reflecting on that, for sure.
Your commitment to kindness is so evident. I love how you define it—not as passive politeness but as an intentional act of compassion and understanding. That’s powerful. And it’s clear that this comes from a place of deep empathy and experience.
I also resonate with the ongoing coaching aspect. It’s a reminder that our non-negotiables are less about rules and more about values we’re teaching over and over again.
Thank you for sharing your heart on this—I’m always grateful to be in conversation with you.
Yes! Kindness and "being nice" are so different. And now YOU just inspired ME to write something on this. Thank you, Erin. You act as my muse more often than I tell you.
What a generous compliment, thank you!
Share the most truth you can
Truth is the only way anything real ever gets built. Thanks, Carll.