For me it always starts with reminding myself and teaching my kids that respect isn’t actually a universal value. We talk about it like it is, but the reality is that its definition is based on context, culture, and socialization. So we have to catch the ways that we perceive behavior and start with curiosity. We live in a community that has a big Korean population, so when Lucy’s interacting with her Korean friends she bows to say hi to show respect, not something she ever does with her white friends. And I always remind her that respect is malleable, it’s earned and lost through folks or organizations choices, actions, and behaviors. So we can lose respect for people, but their dignity, their inherent humanity, is non-negotiable. So if folks do or say things that make us lose respect for them we get to change the relationship or the boundaries, but we don’t get to dehumanize them. I have a cheat sheet bc I do lot of dignity based conflict work, haha. We put names to the actions and behaviors we don’t like, but don’t connect them to other people’s character, as best we can. And, we are a family that fights for dignity, for everyone to feel like they matter, so it’s a lot of thought about how do we do that.
This is such a thoughtful and grounded approach, Megan. I love how you’re helping Lucy see that respect isn’t one-size-fits-all—it’s shaped by culture and context. The way you’re weaving in dignity as something non-negotiable, even when respect is lost, really stuck with me. That kind of nuance feels so important, especially now.
The researcher I work with, Dr Donna Hicks, is a dignity based conflict resolution expert and her work is so, so helpful. It is actually what drew me out of the classroom. I had been using the Dignity framework as the foundation for pro social middle school culture with great success, and Donna needed someone to point folks to who wanted to know how to apply it in homes and schools. I can't recommend it enough.
The book Cribsheet by Emily Oster was an extremely helpful read. Basically data suggests there aren’t significantly wrong ways to raise a child based on all the common opinions such as one or dual working, breastfeeding vs formula, cosleeping vs not, etc. Find what works well for your family and give a damn and you’re in a pretty good spot.
Also helps to absolutely not give a sh*t about what others think… haha
That's it, you nailed it—giving a damn about your kids and not giving a sh*t about what anyone else thinks gets you 90%+ of the way there.
And I’m so glad you brought up Emily Oster! If anyone ever feels anxious about parenting and needs to *calm down*, listen to or read Emily—her data-driven approach is so liberating.
Ha ha… that’s a book I’d love to write. There must be something in the air. I just finished a piece for Thursday with zero filter. The feisty side is coming forward.
Yes! I keep my potty mouth pretty contained in my writing but fuck I love removing filters with people I know, respect, and who know how silly I like to be. Looking forward to Thursday
I have loved ones who voted both liberal and conservative. When my daughter asks me my thoughts about each, I encourage her to reach out to my friends directly and simply ask them, “why did you vote for this person?” As I write about in my book, Sage Words FREEDOM Book One, “we have to stand in the middle to see all sides.”
The hardest thing for me was describing hate to my kids. Each time I’d try, I’d still get a “but why Mom”. I’m proud my kids can’t understand the concept of hate.
I love this. There’s something so pure about kids’ hearts, isn’t there? It’s beautiful that your kids can’t even grasp the concept of hate—it’s a sign of how open and innocent their view of the world still is. It makes you want to protect that purity for as long as possible.
One of the hardest things for us is how do we be open to new ideas and respectful that some people may say things we dont agree with - while still drawing the line when those opinions and things people say are just not okay.
This is such a tough one. It’s challenging to teach our kids how to respect differing opinions, but also to know when to stand firm and say, “This isn’t okay.” I think a lot about how to help my own kids find that balance—how to be open-minded but also confident in drawing boundaries when something doesn’t align with their values. It’s definitely not an easy line to walk. Thanks for sharing!
As a parent, I’m deeply committed to ensuring that my kids leave every room better than they found it. I want them to understand that being a productive and engaged member of society isn’t just about meeting expectations—it’s about positively impacting the people and places around them. This means embracing respect, staying open to others' experiences, and continually finding ways to contribute meaningfully to the world.
That said, I don’t believe they need to sacrifice honesty in the name of open-mindedness. Teaching my kids to seek the truth—not just settle for the status quo—is one of the most important things I can do. I want them to understand that truth isn’t about agreement; sometimes, it requires questioning and having difficult conversations.
It’s a balancing act, for sure. I want them to know we can respect and learn from others, even when we disagree. It’s not always easy, but I strive to be transparent about the challenges of walking that tightrope. The key for me is showing my kids that open-mindedness doesn’t mean abandoning their integrity or the courage to stand firm in their beliefs.
For me it always starts with reminding myself and teaching my kids that respect isn’t actually a universal value. We talk about it like it is, but the reality is that its definition is based on context, culture, and socialization. So we have to catch the ways that we perceive behavior and start with curiosity. We live in a community that has a big Korean population, so when Lucy’s interacting with her Korean friends she bows to say hi to show respect, not something she ever does with her white friends. And I always remind her that respect is malleable, it’s earned and lost through folks or organizations choices, actions, and behaviors. So we can lose respect for people, but their dignity, their inherent humanity, is non-negotiable. So if folks do or say things that make us lose respect for them we get to change the relationship or the boundaries, but we don’t get to dehumanize them. I have a cheat sheet bc I do lot of dignity based conflict work, haha. We put names to the actions and behaviors we don’t like, but don’t connect them to other people’s character, as best we can. And, we are a family that fights for dignity, for everyone to feel like they matter, so it’s a lot of thought about how do we do that.
This is such a thoughtful and grounded approach, Megan. I love how you’re helping Lucy see that respect isn’t one-size-fits-all—it’s shaped by culture and context. The way you’re weaving in dignity as something non-negotiable, even when respect is lost, really stuck with me. That kind of nuance feels so important, especially now.
The researcher I work with, Dr Donna Hicks, is a dignity based conflict resolution expert and her work is so, so helpful. It is actually what drew me out of the classroom. I had been using the Dignity framework as the foundation for pro social middle school culture with great success, and Donna needed someone to point folks to who wanted to know how to apply it in homes and schools. I can't recommend it enough.
Thank you! Bookmarking this to spend more time with it after the holiday.
The book Cribsheet by Emily Oster was an extremely helpful read. Basically data suggests there aren’t significantly wrong ways to raise a child based on all the common opinions such as one or dual working, breastfeeding vs formula, cosleeping vs not, etc. Find what works well for your family and give a damn and you’re in a pretty good spot.
Also helps to absolutely not give a sh*t about what others think… haha
That's it, you nailed it—giving a damn about your kids and not giving a sh*t about what anyone else thinks gets you 90%+ of the way there.
And I’m so glad you brought up Emily Oster! If anyone ever feels anxious about parenting and needs to *calm down*, listen to or read Emily—her data-driven approach is so liberating.
I look forward to your future book, “Give A Damn About Your Kids While Not Giving A Shit About What Others Think.”
Ha ha… that’s a book I’d love to write. There must be something in the air. I just finished a piece for Thursday with zero filter. The feisty side is coming forward.
Yes! I keep my potty mouth pretty contained in my writing but fuck I love removing filters with people I know, respect, and who know how silly I like to be. Looking forward to Thursday
Filters be damned.
I have loved ones who voted both liberal and conservative. When my daughter asks me my thoughts about each, I encourage her to reach out to my friends directly and simply ask them, “why did you vote for this person?” As I write about in my book, Sage Words FREEDOM Book One, “we have to stand in the middle to see all sides.”
The hardest thing for me was describing hate to my kids. Each time I’d try, I’d still get a “but why Mom”. I’m proud my kids can’t understand the concept of hate.
I love this. There’s something so pure about kids’ hearts, isn’t there? It’s beautiful that your kids can’t even grasp the concept of hate—it’s a sign of how open and innocent their view of the world still is. It makes you want to protect that purity for as long as possible.
One of the hardest things for us is how do we be open to new ideas and respectful that some people may say things we dont agree with - while still drawing the line when those opinions and things people say are just not okay.
This is such a tough one. It’s challenging to teach our kids how to respect differing opinions, but also to know when to stand firm and say, “This isn’t okay.” I think a lot about how to help my own kids find that balance—how to be open-minded but also confident in drawing boundaries when something doesn’t align with their values. It’s definitely not an easy line to walk. Thanks for sharing!
As a parent, I’m deeply committed to ensuring that my kids leave every room better than they found it. I want them to understand that being a productive and engaged member of society isn’t just about meeting expectations—it’s about positively impacting the people and places around them. This means embracing respect, staying open to others' experiences, and continually finding ways to contribute meaningfully to the world.
That said, I don’t believe they need to sacrifice honesty in the name of open-mindedness. Teaching my kids to seek the truth—not just settle for the status quo—is one of the most important things I can do. I want them to understand that truth isn’t about agreement; sometimes, it requires questioning and having difficult conversations.
It’s a balancing act, for sure. I want them to know we can respect and learn from others, even when we disagree. It’s not always easy, but I strive to be transparent about the challenges of walking that tightrope. The key for me is showing my kids that open-mindedness doesn’t mean abandoning their integrity or the courage to stand firm in their beliefs.