Ohhh, definitely letting them fail. Understanding that the comeback after falling is a crucial skill. (Though it's always tempting to help them find that math page they're missing.)
Pausing! Instead of saying the reactionary response out loud, I find myself pausing more and more, holding my tongue. The response still goes through my head, but it doesn’t come out and, as a result, I have been able to avoid making my kids feel badly, loosing my temper and then having to apologize. I actually wrote about this last week. Sharing it here in case it’s of interest. Thank you!! Love the support here. https://open.substack.com/pub/kristispence/p/the-satisfaction-of-to-do-lists?r=17odmr&utm_medium=ios
Taking accountability for my own mistakes and apologizing to my kids when I am wrong. I continue to learn that my children’s greatest lessons have often been watching their mother navigate defeat!
You and me both. I really relate to this one. Some of the most powerful parenting moments in my house have come after I’ve gotten it wrong—and owned it—and crawled out of the hole I got myself into.
How I have grown as a parent? Well, also as a grandparent, since I’m raising my grandson. It’s really interesting because I am aware of it as I’m doing it. With my daughters I really felt like I had to influence their decisions and probably didn’t do enough listening. As I’m raising my grandson, I listen a lot more to what he has to say and I ask him what does he think about certain things. I’m a little less fear based.
I love this so much. The self-awareness you’re bringing into this second round of parenting is beautiful—and such a gift to your grandson. That shift from influence to curiosity, from fear to listening… it’s powerful. It says so much about your growth and your relationship with him. Thanks for sharing this perspective—it’s one we don’t hear enough.
Erin - your Note that triggered my comment has had me thinking on it all week!
When my oldest was 3mo old, we noticed that she wasn't moving quite normally. The first year of her life was a swirl of medical appointments and a diagnosis of cerebral palsy. I went through so much guilt in that year, even though I couldn't have prevented her early-gestation stroke. It took me a long time to recognise although I can never do as much as is needed, it is OK. We are all human.
Somehow, the growth that happened to me in that year has made guilt a very uncommon feeling now, for which I'm very grateful. So yes, I'm so grateful that I have (mostly) outgrown guilt.
Thank you for giving me the opportunity to reflect on this. :)
Guen, this is such a generous reflection. I’m so moved by the way you’ve framed that first year—not just in what you went through, but in the growth it sparked. Outgrowing guilt (even mostly) is such hard-earned, meaningful progress, and I imagine it changes everything about how you move through parenting. I’m really grateful you shared this here—and that your original comment helped shape the whole conversation.
I have two children. This summer, my youngest will become an adult. My oldest--my daughter's-- adolescence literally broke me, humbled me, and demanded that I figure out new ways to move forward in my life. What it took to keep my sanity ended up being a full reorientation that brings to mind the Serenity prayer. I had to grieve the things I could not control and learn to relate to my loved ones differently, to see them as whole human beings rather than extensions of myself. This has profoundly changed my life, saved my relationships, and grown me up in ways I didn't even know were possible. The way I see my husband now, the awe I have for my children and my role as their mother; as I write this, it fills me with emotion to think of the gratitude I have for my daughter's "troubles" that broke my heart and life open.
I totally agree with you. Thank you for sharing this. My daughters are grown adults, leading their own lives now but, they both gave me a lot of trouble with addiction. I learned to stay on my side of the street or in my hula hoop as they say. Now, with my two grandsons, I do that a lot more even at a younger age.
I to realized I am not an extension of them. They are their own people, and I cannot remake them in any which way I can only re-orient myself.
This landed hard—in the best way. The way you’ve articulated that shift—from control to surrender, from heartbreak to awe—is so powerful. It’s one of the hardest and most beautiful transformations in parenting, and I’m grateful you shared it here. That line about seeing your children as whole human beings rather than extensions of yourself… yes. That’s it. What a generous, honest reflection—you’ve put words to something so many of us are still trying to figure out in real time.
Apologizing and acknowledging after I’ve lost it or reacted in an unconstructive way. Rather than beat myself up, I want to show my kids that we parents make mistakes and we can own them and move on in a healthy fashion. We have a rule in our house that we don’t go to bed mad, and we always say I love you at the end of the day, no matter how out of sorts we’ve been.
James, please know you always have an open door to share in this space! I'm so grateful for your continued support and valuable contribution to conversations.🧡
Guen, after writing that I wondered, “do we really not go to bed mad?”
Maybe sometimes, but by saying I love you at the end of the day, we’re a little less mad, and we fall asleep and wake up with a pathway from the “I love you” which serves us well. 😊
Thank you for sharing! I'll take a look. :) The 'i love you' is the first step in the right direction - I love that idea.
My partner never gets angry or frustrated. He just keeps persevering. I thought it was pathological when I first met him.
Then I lived in Amerindian villages in Guyana and just never saw anger. It was absolutely eye-opening. That'll never be me. But it's amazing to see what lives are like in a completely different culture where anger isn't modelled.
I love the intention behind that rule—ending the day with connection, even when it’s been messy. And yes, showing our kids how to repair after we mess up might be one of the most powerful lessons we can give them. Thank you for sharing this—it’s such a grounded and hopeful way to look at growth.
How have I grown as a parent? Well, lately I've noticed that I am less reactive than I used to be when my kids are dysregulated (which is daily). I maintain a calm tone of voice and don't feel as emotionally triggered when they are fighting with each other or yelling or experiencing big feelings. Instead, I help them by co-regulating--with the littles, that means sitting down with them, breathing deeply together. With my older kids, it means offering a few suggestions on what they might do to calm down and then we can talk when they feel more regulated.
That is absolutely a win. Staying calm in the face of big emotions (especially on a daily basis) takes a ton of self-discipline, and showing up to co-regulate with each of them in age-appropriate ways? That’s the kind of parenting work that sticks. I’m so glad you shared this.
Thanks, Erin. It helps to know maybe I’m getting some small things right on occasion. I am so hard on myself as a parent. But our kids also have multiple challenges, and sometimes I think it’s all a reflection on me as a poor parent.
Ohhh, definitely letting them fail. Understanding that the comeback after falling is a crucial skill. (Though it's always tempting to help them find that math page they're missing.)
Yes!…and Yes! 🤣
Pausing! Instead of saying the reactionary response out loud, I find myself pausing more and more, holding my tongue. The response still goes through my head, but it doesn’t come out and, as a result, I have been able to avoid making my kids feel badly, loosing my temper and then having to apologize. I actually wrote about this last week. Sharing it here in case it’s of interest. Thank you!! Love the support here. https://open.substack.com/pub/kristispence/p/the-satisfaction-of-to-do-lists?r=17odmr&utm_medium=ios
Absolutely—there’s so much power in the pause. Grateful you shared your recent post!
Taking accountability for my own mistakes and apologizing to my kids when I am wrong. I continue to learn that my children’s greatest lessons have often been watching their mother navigate defeat!
You and me both. I really relate to this one. Some of the most powerful parenting moments in my house have come after I’ve gotten it wrong—and owned it—and crawled out of the hole I got myself into.
How I have grown as a parent? Well, also as a grandparent, since I’m raising my grandson. It’s really interesting because I am aware of it as I’m doing it. With my daughters I really felt like I had to influence their decisions and probably didn’t do enough listening. As I’m raising my grandson, I listen a lot more to what he has to say and I ask him what does he think about certain things. I’m a little less fear based.
Thank you, Erin! Love your topics!
I love this so much. The self-awareness you’re bringing into this second round of parenting is beautiful—and such a gift to your grandson. That shift from influence to curiosity, from fear to listening… it’s powerful. It says so much about your growth and your relationship with him. Thanks for sharing this perspective—it’s one we don’t hear enough.
Erin - your Note that triggered my comment has had me thinking on it all week!
When my oldest was 3mo old, we noticed that she wasn't moving quite normally. The first year of her life was a swirl of medical appointments and a diagnosis of cerebral palsy. I went through so much guilt in that year, even though I couldn't have prevented her early-gestation stroke. It took me a long time to recognise although I can never do as much as is needed, it is OK. We are all human.
Somehow, the growth that happened to me in that year has made guilt a very uncommon feeling now, for which I'm very grateful. So yes, I'm so grateful that I have (mostly) outgrown guilt.
Thank you for giving me the opportunity to reflect on this. :)
Guen, this is such a generous reflection. I’m so moved by the way you’ve framed that first year—not just in what you went through, but in the growth it sparked. Outgrowing guilt (even mostly) is such hard-earned, meaningful progress, and I imagine it changes everything about how you move through parenting. I’m really grateful you shared this here—and that your original comment helped shape the whole conversation.
I have two children. This summer, my youngest will become an adult. My oldest--my daughter's-- adolescence literally broke me, humbled me, and demanded that I figure out new ways to move forward in my life. What it took to keep my sanity ended up being a full reorientation that brings to mind the Serenity prayer. I had to grieve the things I could not control and learn to relate to my loved ones differently, to see them as whole human beings rather than extensions of myself. This has profoundly changed my life, saved my relationships, and grown me up in ways I didn't even know were possible. The way I see my husband now, the awe I have for my children and my role as their mother; as I write this, it fills me with emotion to think of the gratitude I have for my daughter's "troubles" that broke my heart and life open.
I totally agree with you. Thank you for sharing this. My daughters are grown adults, leading their own lives now but, they both gave me a lot of trouble with addiction. I learned to stay on my side of the street or in my hula hoop as they say. Now, with my two grandsons, I do that a lot more even at a younger age.
I to realized I am not an extension of them. They are their own people, and I cannot remake them in any which way I can only re-orient myself.
This brought tears to my eyes. Thank you for sharing.
This landed hard—in the best way. The way you’ve articulated that shift—from control to surrender, from heartbreak to awe—is so powerful. It’s one of the hardest and most beautiful transformations in parenting, and I’m grateful you shared it here. That line about seeing your children as whole human beings rather than extensions of yourself… yes. That’s it. What a generous, honest reflection—you’ve put words to something so many of us are still trying to figure out in real time.
Apologizing and acknowledging after I’ve lost it or reacted in an unconstructive way. Rather than beat myself up, I want to show my kids that we parents make mistakes and we can own them and move on in a healthy fashion. We have a rule in our house that we don’t go to bed mad, and we always say I love you at the end of the day, no matter how out of sorts we’ve been.
Thank you Erin. I’m never quite sure of the Substack protocol for sharing essays in the comment section. I’m glad I did this time.
Keep up to great and impactful work here on your Substack! 💪👍🙏
James, please know you always have an open door to share in this space! I'm so grateful for your continued support and valuable contribution to conversations.🧡
Thank you Erin. ❤️
I so wish I'd had this rule in my house when I was growing up. 'We don't go to bed mad' is such a clear value for children to understand...
Guen, one more thing. My second Substack essay from several years ago was a piece on saying I Love You in case you’re interested.
https://open.substack.com/pub/onmoneyandmeaning/p/the-transformational-act-of-saying?r=3bqj2&utm_medium=ios
I like to think my writing has come a long way from then, but I loved the message - what we are talking about here.
This is a beautiful piece, James. I'm so glad you shared it here!
Guen, after writing that I wondered, “do we really not go to bed mad?”
Maybe sometimes, but by saying I love you at the end of the day, we’re a little less mad, and we fall asleep and wake up with a pathway from the “I love you” which serves us well. 😊
Thank you for sharing! I'll take a look. :) The 'i love you' is the first step in the right direction - I love that idea.
My partner never gets angry or frustrated. He just keeps persevering. I thought it was pathological when I first met him.
Then I lived in Amerindian villages in Guyana and just never saw anger. It was absolutely eye-opening. That'll never be me. But it's amazing to see what lives are like in a completely different culture where anger isn't modelled.
I love the intention behind that rule—ending the day with connection, even when it’s been messy. And yes, showing our kids how to repair after we mess up might be one of the most powerful lessons we can give them. Thank you for sharing this—it’s such a grounded and hopeful way to look at growth.
Hi Erin,
Great prompt.
How have I grown as a parent? Well, lately I've noticed that I am less reactive than I used to be when my kids are dysregulated (which is daily). I maintain a calm tone of voice and don't feel as emotionally triggered when they are fighting with each other or yelling or experiencing big feelings. Instead, I help them by co-regulating--with the littles, that means sitting down with them, breathing deeply together. With my older kids, it means offering a few suggestions on what they might do to calm down and then we can talk when they feel more regulated.
So....I guess that is a win?
That is absolutely a win. Staying calm in the face of big emotions (especially on a daily basis) takes a ton of self-discipline, and showing up to co-regulate with each of them in age-appropriate ways? That’s the kind of parenting work that sticks. I’m so glad you shared this.
Thanks, Erin. It helps to know maybe I’m getting some small things right on occasion. I am so hard on myself as a parent. But our kids also have multiple challenges, and sometimes I think it’s all a reflection on me as a poor parent.
Love these prompts. I’ve gotten amazing at giving grace when my daughters lose it on me because they’re stressed.
Oh, that's a BIG one! Safe space, thick skin, massive amounts of patience. I love this.