‘You’re not responsible for anyone else’s unhealthy emotional needs.’
I started saying this during my divorce. I wanted my girls to know they weren’t responsible for emotionally supporting either parent. I had my people to lean on, and their dad had his own. This was about protecting their emotional boundaries—and letting them be kids.
‘No lost puppies.’
This one’s about dating, not pets (though it applies to pets, too). We don’t date projects or potential. We date well-rounded, compassionate, life-giving humans who already have their act together.
‘We don’t celebrate losers.’
A joke borrowed from a friend who organizes our annual March Madness pool. While we don’t actually believe this, it’s become our family’s go-to quip on the pickleball court, at the ping-pong table, and, occasionally, at the dinner table. We’re a slightly competitive family.
‘You never leave a girlfriend in the bathroom.’
This one started when they were little. Whenever we were out with other families, the kids would go to the restroom in packs, but there was always a straggler who emerged a few minutes later. I drilled it into my girls early—no one gets left behind. To this day, they’re fiercely loyal to this rule and use it as a yardstick to measure the thoughtfulness of their own friends.
All of these are great thank you, I can tell you're a caring and nurturing parent. But just an FYI: the last one could lead to misunderstandings when using that yardstick: some people like to be alone in the bathroom and are waiting for your children to leave.... O__O
We say “This disagreement is going in circles. Let’s revisit this after _____ when we all have calmed down and can listen with a clear head.” Any we make sure to give our kids or spouse an exact scheduled time. This way it’s not swept under the rug and could build resentment. It also helps because when your child is emotionally dis regulated, it helps to come back to it when they are able to absorb your conversation. It sets a boundary to stop a circle of people raising voices and getting mean. It’s disagreeing and fighting differently and more healthy.
I love this approach—such a thoughtful way to model healthy conflict resolution. Setting a specific time to revisit a disagreement not only prevents resentment but, as you mentioned, also teaches emotional regulation and respect for each other’s processing time.
It’s so true that when emotions are running high, productive conversation is nearly impossible. Hitting pause and returning with a clear head changes everything. Such a valuable skill for kids (and adults!) to learn.
We have a child with next to zero emotional regulation. This is a must that we learned in marriage counseling ages ago. We were told we needed to fight differently or disagree more productively. My other half tended to want to stop unproductive conversations but I said I didn’t like this because it was a free pass for him to get out of things we needed to discuss and it built resentment. And it built a sort of tolerance for bad behavior. So this was a huge wake up call. And I’m forever grateful for the advice I got in this subject.
I'm afraid I can't repeat most of them! If people overheard us they'd think I was threatening my poor 6 year old little girl, but it's just the way we talk to each other. I am/was a long-time English teacher, she has a penchant for overly dramatic acting and we routinely call each other highly inappropriate names like 'jackass, nincompoop, pissant, dipshit'. It's all done in a jokey manner, but when others hear it, they're not sure what to think. So I think the line my daughter hears out of me the most is "sweetheart, we can only say these things to each other when no one else is around!". This is probably terrible parenting, but I can't help it.
Unfortunately, because she's heard me swear one too many times, an occasional bit of profanity will slip out of our mouths (I shan't repeat them here).
I also like hitting her - no, not LITERALLY!!! - with philosophical lines like this when she's acting silly or impatient: "Delayed gratification is the surest sign of maturity" and then she looks at me like I'm nuts saying "what?" and I'll respond with "don't be impatient, it's bad!"
Philosophical wisdom mid-silliness? Peak parenting move. Even if she rolls her eyes or shrugs her shoulders now, those lines will stick with her. (One day, she’ll be quoting you back at you!)
I used to get the classic “I brought you into this world so I can damn sure take you OUT of it” line from both my parents more often than I’d care to remember 😳😳😳
I was more worried about my mother than my father when it came to punishments as she could have us all tense & “on edge” as she excelled at mind games. The second we’d drop our guard… BOOM!!!💥 She’d strike with near ruthless intensity. We knew punishment was coming… Just not WHEN 😳😳😳. She also loved telling us how she literally invented time travel by saying to us “keep that up & I’ll knock you into next week!!” 😱😱😱
That kind of unpredictability must have been tough—always waiting, never quite knowing when or how the consequence would come. It’s a heavy burden, that constant bracing for impact. And yet, so many grow up navigating that tension, learning to read the room, to stay small, to anticipate rather than exist.
It’s a reminder of how powerful consistency and safety are in parenting—not in the absence of discipline, but in the presence of trust.
Oh yeah… It was “the waiting for the inevitable” from my mother that kept my siblings & I in check as she excelled in mind games 😏😏😏. She may have only been small in stature but MAN could she unleash when she had to 😱😱😱. But, despite that, I still loved her with all my heart as I knew she was just looking out for us in her own way ❤️❤️❤️
And yes—changed behavior as evidence of an apology is everything. What a gift to your kids to learn that lesson early. Accountability isn’t just about saying sorry—it’s about showing it. I have a feeling you've modeled this beautifully for them.
"Where there's confusion, there's a lie. Either you're being lied to or you're lying to yourself." Might sound familiar ;). The best piece of advice I've ever received that I re-share to my friends constantly.
"We got this." To ensure they know that together, we can figure anything out and that's what family is for. I'm very proud of how adaptable my children are and that they identify as "scrappy."
Love this! Scrappy—what a great descriptor. I’ve used “Everything’s figureoutable” plenty of times, but it doesn’t quite ignite the same fire. Yours carries a fight, a resilience—a reminder that sometimes, the way forward isn’t just about solving, but scrapping, adapting, and refusing to quit.
My oldest was 3 the first time she turned it around on me. I asked her to stop coloring on something and to come eat lunch, or something like that, and she hit back with "when I'm done coloring, then I will come get lunch." And I just had to pick my jaw up off the floor, acknowledge that it was an absolutely appropriate way to say that, and sit and wait. 😆
Honestly, I love it every time my kids use my words against me or find the loophole in my logic. ... Maybe not in the very moment 😅 but it means what I'm modeling is working, and that they're thinking critically, being clever and problem solving. And when they push back against things with sound logic and justification. As a homeschooler, I think thats about the very best thing I can give them.
It does make my job harder, and getting out maneuvered by your 5 & 2 year old can make ya feel pretty dumb sometimes 😆 but thats okay. I want them to be the best humans they can be, especially if it means they're better than me.
Yes! Every single word of this!! It’s not the easiest path, but it’s one of the most valuable—giving them space to practice on us, making dialogue a true two-way street, and ultimately, raising them to be even better than we are. I love all of this so much.
Son, in life, love, or business, always remember, you dance with the person you brought. This is a basic point of honor - you keep the commitments you made.
So, so good! We don’t talk about honor much these days, but we should. It matters—in our relationships, our choices, and the way we show up in the world. Love this.
These are SO good, Jenny! I may adopt "you'll see it when you get there." I've been thinking a lot about the idea that 'you can't miss what's meant for you.' But yours is even better.
These are the one-liners my girls hear on repeat:
‘You’re not responsible for anyone else’s unhealthy emotional needs.’
I started saying this during my divorce. I wanted my girls to know they weren’t responsible for emotionally supporting either parent. I had my people to lean on, and their dad had his own. This was about protecting their emotional boundaries—and letting them be kids.
‘No lost puppies.’
This one’s about dating, not pets (though it applies to pets, too). We don’t date projects or potential. We date well-rounded, compassionate, life-giving humans who already have their act together.
‘We don’t celebrate losers.’
A joke borrowed from a friend who organizes our annual March Madness pool. While we don’t actually believe this, it’s become our family’s go-to quip on the pickleball court, at the ping-pong table, and, occasionally, at the dinner table. We’re a slightly competitive family.
‘You never leave a girlfriend in the bathroom.’
This one started when they were little. Whenever we were out with other families, the kids would go to the restroom in packs, but there was always a straggler who emerged a few minutes later. I drilled it into my girls early—no one gets left behind. To this day, they’re fiercely loyal to this rule and use it as a yardstick to measure the thoughtfulness of their own friends.
All of these are great thank you, I can tell you're a caring and nurturing parent. But just an FYI: the last one could lead to misunderstandings when using that yardstick: some people like to be alone in the bathroom and are waiting for your children to leave.... O__O
😂 great point! Maybe we need to revisit and revise this one slightly.
We say “This disagreement is going in circles. Let’s revisit this after _____ when we all have calmed down and can listen with a clear head.” Any we make sure to give our kids or spouse an exact scheduled time. This way it’s not swept under the rug and could build resentment. It also helps because when your child is emotionally dis regulated, it helps to come back to it when they are able to absorb your conversation. It sets a boundary to stop a circle of people raising voices and getting mean. It’s disagreeing and fighting differently and more healthy.
I love this approach—such a thoughtful way to model healthy conflict resolution. Setting a specific time to revisit a disagreement not only prevents resentment but, as you mentioned, also teaches emotional regulation and respect for each other’s processing time.
It’s so true that when emotions are running high, productive conversation is nearly impossible. Hitting pause and returning with a clear head changes everything. Such a valuable skill for kids (and adults!) to learn.
We have a child with next to zero emotional regulation. This is a must that we learned in marriage counseling ages ago. We were told we needed to fight differently or disagree more productively. My other half tended to want to stop unproductive conversations but I said I didn’t like this because it was a free pass for him to get out of things we needed to discuss and it built resentment. And it built a sort of tolerance for bad behavior. So this was a huge wake up call. And I’m forever grateful for the advice I got in this subject.
I'm afraid I can't repeat most of them! If people overheard us they'd think I was threatening my poor 6 year old little girl, but it's just the way we talk to each other. I am/was a long-time English teacher, she has a penchant for overly dramatic acting and we routinely call each other highly inappropriate names like 'jackass, nincompoop, pissant, dipshit'. It's all done in a jokey manner, but when others hear it, they're not sure what to think. So I think the line my daughter hears out of me the most is "sweetheart, we can only say these things to each other when no one else is around!". This is probably terrible parenting, but I can't help it.
Unfortunately, because she's heard me swear one too many times, an occasional bit of profanity will slip out of our mouths (I shan't repeat them here).
I also like hitting her - no, not LITERALLY!!! - with philosophical lines like this when she's acting silly or impatient: "Delayed gratification is the surest sign of maturity" and then she looks at me like I'm nuts saying "what?" and I'll respond with "don't be impatient, it's bad!"
Philosophical wisdom mid-silliness? Peak parenting move. Even if she rolls her eyes or shrugs her shoulders now, those lines will stick with her. (One day, she’ll be quoting you back at you!)
I used to get the classic “I brought you into this world so I can damn sure take you OUT of it” line from both my parents more often than I’d care to remember 😳😳😳
There’s a tried and true classic. Right up there with, "Wait till your father gets home." 😉
I was more worried about my mother than my father when it came to punishments as she could have us all tense & “on edge” as she excelled at mind games. The second we’d drop our guard… BOOM!!!💥 She’d strike with near ruthless intensity. We knew punishment was coming… Just not WHEN 😳😳😳. She also loved telling us how she literally invented time travel by saying to us “keep that up & I’ll knock you into next week!!” 😱😱😱
That kind of unpredictability must have been tough—always waiting, never quite knowing when or how the consequence would come. It’s a heavy burden, that constant bracing for impact. And yet, so many grow up navigating that tension, learning to read the room, to stay small, to anticipate rather than exist.
It’s a reminder of how powerful consistency and safety are in parenting—not in the absence of discipline, but in the presence of trust.
Oh yeah… It was “the waiting for the inevitable” from my mother that kept my siblings & I in check as she excelled in mind games 😏😏😏. She may have only been small in stature but MAN could she unleash when she had to 😱😱😱. But, despite that, I still loved her with all my heart as I knew she was just looking out for us in her own way ❤️❤️❤️
The way you show someone you’re really sorry isn’t by saying sorry, but by changing your behavior.
Also will never forget when my 3 year-old, completely exasperated, facepalmed and shouted “Jesus Christ!”
Literally LOL-ing. So funny!
And yes—changed behavior as evidence of an apology is everything. What a gift to your kids to learn that lesson early. Accountability isn’t just about saying sorry—it’s about showing it. I have a feeling you've modeled this beautifully for them.
"Where there's confusion, there's a lie. Either you're being lied to or you're lying to yourself." Might sound familiar ;). The best piece of advice I've ever received that I re-share to my friends constantly.
...and maybe even while bartending? That's one of my most favorites. Love you, babe.
When family discussions became tense, our dear, grandma referee would softly ask, "Anyone want to play Yahtzee?" Smiles all around the table!
And that sweet smile while she said it. She was a true gem.
Haha! So grateful for the peacemakers—the ones who lighten the mood, break the tension, and help us find our way out of murky waters.
"We got this." To ensure they know that together, we can figure anything out and that's what family is for. I'm very proud of how adaptable my children are and that they identify as "scrappy."
Love this! Scrappy—what a great descriptor. I’ve used “Everything’s figureoutable” plenty of times, but it doesn’t quite ignite the same fire. Yours carries a fight, a resilience—a reminder that sometimes, the way forward isn’t just about solving, but scrapping, adapting, and refusing to quit.
"When I'm done, then ..."
My oldest was 3 the first time she turned it around on me. I asked her to stop coloring on something and to come eat lunch, or something like that, and she hit back with "when I'm done coloring, then I will come get lunch." And I just had to pick my jaw up off the floor, acknowledge that it was an absolutely appropriate way to say that, and sit and wait. 😆
Too funny! Did you keep using it once you realized it could be used both ways?
Honestly, I love it every time my kids use my words against me or find the loophole in my logic. ... Maybe not in the very moment 😅 but it means what I'm modeling is working, and that they're thinking critically, being clever and problem solving. And when they push back against things with sound logic and justification. As a homeschooler, I think thats about the very best thing I can give them.
It does make my job harder, and getting out maneuvered by your 5 & 2 year old can make ya feel pretty dumb sometimes 😆 but thats okay. I want them to be the best humans they can be, especially if it means they're better than me.
Yes! Every single word of this!! It’s not the easiest path, but it’s one of the most valuable—giving them space to practice on us, making dialogue a true two-way street, and ultimately, raising them to be even better than we are. I love all of this so much.
Absolutely! Its a perfect way to set up expectations and causal relationships!
If my grandmother had wheels, she'd be a trolley
Laughing! How did they respond to that one?
With annoyance bordering on disgust
"[Item] is a tool, not a toy"--as in, when my boys want to wield a butter knife around.
"Look with your eyes, not your hands." --again, we have small kids.
"Use quiet feet." --because they are all a herd of thundering elephants.
"You can be mad, but you can't hurt someone (feelings or body)."
Oh, I love these—such a perfect snapshot of the stage of life you're in. I'm over here chuckling!
Son, in life, love, or business, always remember, you dance with the person you brought. This is a basic point of honor - you keep the commitments you made.
More difficult than you thought it would be?
Tough, honor it.
More expensive than you estimated?
Tough, honor it.
See something else that's better?
Tough, honor it.
So, so good! We don’t talk about honor much these days, but we should. It matters—in our relationships, our choices, and the way we show up in the world. Love this.
Thank you. It also houses this ageless lesson and ties in with your well-rounded wisdom: always look before you leap.
(I was not the author of the honor comment by the way, I can only wish to become that insightful.)
These are SO good, Jenny! I may adopt "you'll see it when you get there." I've been thinking a lot about the idea that 'you can't miss what's meant for you.' But yours is even better.