The driving analogy is really powerful and profound. I've been thinking in my own writing how parenting is a relationship, not a set of behaviors you perform on your kids - and yet we need skillful parenting behaviors so life doesn't interfere with the relationship. I think you hit this note too when you wrote that good parenting lies somewhere between the long view and the immediate situation. Thank you for giving me a lot to think about!
Erin, this reminds me of when at 13 years old my daughter stopped reading. She was being unschooled/roadschooled at the time and so for this doubting momma who went all the way to a law degree and thinking we were doing everything wrong, it lead to panic. My daughters had my attention (well as much as a very imperfect mom could give), but what they also needed (as much or even more - and I am still learning this 8 years later) is my trust. It is like in yoga. You do your practice every day and you build trust that you will get to the deepened level of balance, flexibility, strength, wisdom, awareness, awakening). You are never going to see it immediately. Our growth comes after consistent showing up and after a lot of not seeing or feeling anything. So I stopped pressuring her to read. And there it was years later - all the reading we did together led her to pick up one book after another. She is now 21 and in another phase of not reading. She is all over the place. She is working two jobs. She goes to the gym. She has a steady boyfriend. She has tons of friends. Her social life is full center. And she is confused about what she wants to do. I see that expression on her face: Who will I be? I find her coming to me for attention more than ever... and I believe mostly, she is coming to feel my trust. I have it. I see the long view and it is beautiful. Thank you Erin. I needed to read and then write this to remember. I trust. This is the power of sharing. I am so grateful for encountering you. xo
This captures something so many parents struggle to articulate: presence is essential, but it isn’t the whole job. Kids need us not just in the moment, but across the longer arc — regulated, steady, and able to tolerate their fluctuations without collapsing into them. When we parent only from immediacy, we lose sight of development. The long view is what allows us to respond with wisdom instead of reactivity.
I love this question in particular as a reminder that I don’t want connection or love to ever feel contingent on behavior:
What is my kid learning about connection from this interaction?
With a toddler who sometimes hits and kicks me, there’s lots of opportunities to test showing up with authentic and clear boundaries plus love while nursing a potential bruise 😅
This is such a great example of the challenge! Those messy moments become the clearest test of what connection feels like in our home—not contingent on behavior or withdrawn to make a point. But steady, firm, and warm enough that they don’t have to choose between being hugged and being guided.
Toddlers give us a wild amount of practice in holding limits and love at the same time.
Erin, this landed so deeply. There’s such a quiet truth in the way you describe presence — not as perfection or constant immersion, but as a gentle widening, a steadying, a looking up and looking ahead. As a new mom, I feel this reminder in my bones. It’s so easy to get swallowed by the moment right in front of me — the spill, the wobble, the tears — and forget that I’m not meant to shape every inch of the day… I’m shaping the path he’ll walk a year from now.
I love how you hold both the close-up and the long view with such tenderness. It’s a comfort to be told that steadiness matters more than flawlessness, that our kids don’t need us to read every moment as a verdict. They just need the kind of room where they can grow without fear of shaking us.
This is the kind of parenting wisdom that feels like an exhale. Thank you for gifting it to us. 🤍
...*parenting wisdom that feels like an exhale.*—Is there a greater compliment than that?! Especially coming from you. From the bottom of my heart, thank you! 🧡
The use of teaching a teenager to drive is excellent. As much as I tried to live in the "here and now" with my girls, in order to be truly present; I still looked up and out ahead to the place we wanted them to be when they were ready to go out on their own.
I especially enjoyed this one because it addresses the issue of catastrophizing in parenting. It's something I'm guilty of and try to change. One hardship doesn't define the overall narrative.
Boy, do I relate to this. Catastrophizing is such an easy trap, and so often it comes from caring, not neglect—which makes it particularly confusing (and difficult to recognize). It’s taken me years to realize I’m allowed to let the moment be small.
"A setback becomes a data point, not a verdict." Wish my parents had absorbed that lesson. (Then again, the words "data point" weren't in use when they were dictating!)
Erin, I loved this: "When we fixate on what sits directly in front of us, we lose sight of the road we’re actually meant to shape—and travel—with our kids."
It reminded me of hearing a nice analogy a while back, about when our kids emerge into adulthood, we need to "be the side of the pool." We can no longer accompany them out into the waters of life, helping them navigate contend with all that life throws at them. We need to be the side of the pool, and always be there for safety, and presence when they need us from time to time.
Thank you again for the thought-provoking perspectives.
I love that pool analogy, James—it captures something so true about the shift from active guidance to steady availability. The goal is to be the structure our kids push off from, rest against, or return to when they need recalibration. What a fantastic visual.
Love this article. The distinction between the social media version what presence is “supposed” to look like versus the real thing is key. If we are holding on with gritted teeth trying to be present in a way that we think we are supposed to, it loses all its value.
Yes! That “gritted teeth” version is what interests me most. When we drop the performance element, the real thing becomes easier—and the connection we're establishing is truer. There’s more room to read what’s actually happening, not what we’re afraid *should* be happening.
definitely fft ( food for thought). my thoughts follow on certain words resurrected to fit current narratives that aim to provide clarity but are actually vague; for example “ authentic” and “genuine”.
we are after all, on this platform to write or share multi media points of view, and words-as is said- matter.
both words stated above aim to convey and provide a positive characteristic -to exalt the sincerity and uniqueness of an individual. in my dialogues with my daughter, to keep this brief, i’ve conveyed that she ought choose wisely when using words resurrected to reflect new concepts, points of view, or philosophies: i let her know that people can be genuine asses or authentic fools.
as for the word “present”, i believe this is linked to “mindfulness” which is resurrected from meditation practices.
as a long time meditator- and one who pointed my daughter into a well known and surprisingly simple technique- mantra and all- it seems to me that meditation while we meditate, has nothing to do with any effort to be present; it just happens.
however, the devotion to the technique- a non religious devotion- does seem to provide a manner of being in the world where in one’s thoughts and actions one feels centered and present. this includes watching one’s children and thinking, ruminating, or strategizing for their needs and growth. my family is aware that in hindsight we tend to make better decisions when we meditate consistently. ps: we are not always 100% as a tibetan monk might be, but we attest to that from experience in life.
i have two profiles on this platform and one (DL ARCHER), whose intent is to delve into my personal experiences raising and being further “raised” by the relationship with my daughter. i have not posted yet but im pretty far along with a book i will be sharing aspects of soon. i am not asking here for any subscriptions etc. i think this email came to my profile which will include more life and less parenting as a father. that is why i am mentioning that profile.
however we can come to a place or a tachnique to rely on for reflection in order to make better decisions, i say be as “present” as you can however you can.
i also believe from my experience that there are techniques that can be used from early to at least help in that process.
parenting is overrated and underestimated ( a chapter in said book) but can be immensely rewarding. so can being a a child.
Thank you for such a thoughtful reflection. I love the way you’re looking at language, and how these “resurrected” words can lose clarity or get reshaped by culture. And I appreciate the perspective you bring from meditation — that groundedness doesn’t come from efforting our way into presence, but from a steadiness built over time.
I hear what you are saying and I agree that the long view matters. For me presence is not about being stuck in the moment. It is what helps me stay steady so I can actually see my child and guide him with more intention. That is why I write about it. Presence keeps me grounded enough to lead without reacting from pressure.
I also see presence as simple curiosity. It helps me notice what is happening without jumping to conclusions. When I hold that mindset I can balance the close view with the bigger picture. It gives me space to parent with more clarity and less stress, which is what my boys need from me.
Thank you, Erin. I really appreciate this clarity. I understand what you mean about the cultural version of presence feeling like another pressure. I remember those early years and how easy it was to believe I had to be tuned in every second. It left no space to breathe. Your way of naming this is gentle and freeing. Presence that feels open and human is what I want mothers to know is possible. Thank you for this beautiful reflection.
Yes, to steadiness and curiosity! And I completely agree: presence can be what keeps us from reacting under pressure. It can be calming and clarifying.
What I’m pushing on in this piece isn’t presence itself, but the way it’s often defined and prescribed, especially to parents in the trenches with little ones. The cultural version of “presence” can feel like a mandate to stay hyper-attuned to every moment, which ends up adding pressure instead of offering relief.
Presence, the way you’re naming it—spacious, curious, steady—is exactly what I hope parents get to experience. But I want to make sure we aren’t inadvertently setting another impossible standard.
Your boys are lucky to have a mom who can hold both views at once! 🧡
I feel like I want to categorize your posts in a way that when I’m feeling unsteady in a certain realm, I can reference one quickly.
I need Erin pep talks in my pocket. 😂 So many good takeaways here. Getting curious and turning our focus to asking ourselves the right questions, believing in the goodness of our child’s identity and not reducing them to a moment or series of moments…
I love this:
“Presence isn’t just attention. It’s tolerance. It’s spaciousness. It’s the ability to stay with what’s unfolding without letting it dictate the entire future. When we parent only from the immediate, we’re not grounded—we’re cornered. And our kids feel the impact of that corner long before we admit we’re in it.”
Presence demands that broader definition. Being zoomed in and attuned to every moment requires so much energy. Being zoomed out and tolerating their development unfolding as they try things on and fail requires a different kind of energy.
Oh my gosh, you are the sweetest! AND, I had *you* in mind when I first started writing this—the moments you step outside or away to reset, and all the times over the years when I felt like the success or failure of my relationship with my girls hinged on a single scene and how well I handled it.
Yes to presence. But also yes to remembering parenting is a long game, and our kids are unfolding across years, not minutes.
The driving analogy is really powerful and profound. I've been thinking in my own writing how parenting is a relationship, not a set of behaviors you perform on your kids - and yet we need skillful parenting behaviors so life doesn't interfere with the relationship. I think you hit this note too when you wrote that good parenting lies somewhere between the long view and the immediate situation. Thank you for giving me a lot to think about!
Yes! May we continue to strive to be skillful enough not to interfere with the relationship. Love that—thank you, David.
Erin, this reminds me of when at 13 years old my daughter stopped reading. She was being unschooled/roadschooled at the time and so for this doubting momma who went all the way to a law degree and thinking we were doing everything wrong, it lead to panic. My daughters had my attention (well as much as a very imperfect mom could give), but what they also needed (as much or even more - and I am still learning this 8 years later) is my trust. It is like in yoga. You do your practice every day and you build trust that you will get to the deepened level of balance, flexibility, strength, wisdom, awareness, awakening). You are never going to see it immediately. Our growth comes after consistent showing up and after a lot of not seeing or feeling anything. So I stopped pressuring her to read. And there it was years later - all the reading we did together led her to pick up one book after another. She is now 21 and in another phase of not reading. She is all over the place. She is working two jobs. She goes to the gym. She has a steady boyfriend. She has tons of friends. Her social life is full center. And she is confused about what she wants to do. I see that expression on her face: Who will I be? I find her coming to me for attention more than ever... and I believe mostly, she is coming to feel my trust. I have it. I see the long view and it is beautiful. Thank you Erin. I needed to read and then write this to remember. I trust. This is the power of sharing. I am so grateful for encountering you. xo
This captures something so many parents struggle to articulate: presence is essential, but it isn’t the whole job. Kids need us not just in the moment, but across the longer arc — regulated, steady, and able to tolerate their fluctuations without collapsing into them. When we parent only from immediacy, we lose sight of development. The long view is what allows us to respond with wisdom instead of reactivity.
Love this! Responding with wisdom (and maturity) makes all the difference—and our kids deserve that from us.
I love this question in particular as a reminder that I don’t want connection or love to ever feel contingent on behavior:
What is my kid learning about connection from this interaction?
With a toddler who sometimes hits and kicks me, there’s lots of opportunities to test showing up with authentic and clear boundaries plus love while nursing a potential bruise 😅
This is such a great example of the challenge! Those messy moments become the clearest test of what connection feels like in our home—not contingent on behavior or withdrawn to make a point. But steady, firm, and warm enough that they don’t have to choose between being hugged and being guided.
Toddlers give us a wild amount of practice in holding limits and love at the same time.
"holding limits and love" - love that!
Erin, this landed so deeply. There’s such a quiet truth in the way you describe presence — not as perfection or constant immersion, but as a gentle widening, a steadying, a looking up and looking ahead. As a new mom, I feel this reminder in my bones. It’s so easy to get swallowed by the moment right in front of me — the spill, the wobble, the tears — and forget that I’m not meant to shape every inch of the day… I’m shaping the path he’ll walk a year from now.
I love how you hold both the close-up and the long view with such tenderness. It’s a comfort to be told that steadiness matters more than flawlessness, that our kids don’t need us to read every moment as a verdict. They just need the kind of room where they can grow without fear of shaking us.
This is the kind of parenting wisdom that feels like an exhale. Thank you for gifting it to us. 🤍
...*parenting wisdom that feels like an exhale.*—Is there a greater compliment than that?! Especially coming from you. From the bottom of my heart, thank you! 🧡
The use of teaching a teenager to drive is excellent. As much as I tried to live in the "here and now" with my girls, in order to be truly present; I still looked up and out ahead to the place we wanted them to be when they were ready to go out on their own.
So well said, Nancy—staying in the “here and now” without losing sight of where we hope they eventually stand.
That balance is so much harder than it looks, but I have zero doubt that you've been able to hold both views at once. Such a gift to give your girls.
I especially enjoyed this one because it addresses the issue of catastrophizing in parenting. It's something I'm guilty of and try to change. One hardship doesn't define the overall narrative.
Boy, do I relate to this. Catastrophizing is such an easy trap, and so often it comes from caring, not neglect—which makes it particularly confusing (and difficult to recognize). It’s taken me years to realize I’m allowed to let the moment be small.
"A setback becomes a data point, not a verdict." Wish my parents had absorbed that lesson. (Then again, the words "data point" weren't in use when they were dictating!)
Right? Most of our parents didn’t have that language. The good news is we get to update the story now, extending it to grandkids and ourselves, too.
Cheers to treating stumbles as information instead of identity.
Erin, I loved this: "When we fixate on what sits directly in front of us, we lose sight of the road we’re actually meant to shape—and travel—with our kids."
It reminded me of hearing a nice analogy a while back, about when our kids emerge into adulthood, we need to "be the side of the pool." We can no longer accompany them out into the waters of life, helping them navigate contend with all that life throws at them. We need to be the side of the pool, and always be there for safety, and presence when they need us from time to time.
Thank you again for the thought-provoking perspectives.
I love that pool analogy, James—it captures something so true about the shift from active guidance to steady availability. The goal is to be the structure our kids push off from, rest against, or return to when they need recalibration. What a fantastic visual.
I always appreciate your insight, thank you!
Erin, You're welcome. And this is beautiful: "active guidance to steady availability."
If it were just that easy, huh? 😊
Right?! 😊
Love this article. The distinction between the social media version what presence is “supposed” to look like versus the real thing is key. If we are holding on with gritted teeth trying to be present in a way that we think we are supposed to, it loses all its value.
Yes! That “gritted teeth” version is what interests me most. When we drop the performance element, the real thing becomes easier—and the connection we're establishing is truer. There’s more room to read what’s actually happening, not what we’re afraid *should* be happening.
definitely fft ( food for thought). my thoughts follow on certain words resurrected to fit current narratives that aim to provide clarity but are actually vague; for example “ authentic” and “genuine”.
we are after all, on this platform to write or share multi media points of view, and words-as is said- matter.
both words stated above aim to convey and provide a positive characteristic -to exalt the sincerity and uniqueness of an individual. in my dialogues with my daughter, to keep this brief, i’ve conveyed that she ought choose wisely when using words resurrected to reflect new concepts, points of view, or philosophies: i let her know that people can be genuine asses or authentic fools.
as for the word “present”, i believe this is linked to “mindfulness” which is resurrected from meditation practices.
as a long time meditator- and one who pointed my daughter into a well known and surprisingly simple technique- mantra and all- it seems to me that meditation while we meditate, has nothing to do with any effort to be present; it just happens.
however, the devotion to the technique- a non religious devotion- does seem to provide a manner of being in the world where in one’s thoughts and actions one feels centered and present. this includes watching one’s children and thinking, ruminating, or strategizing for their needs and growth. my family is aware that in hindsight we tend to make better decisions when we meditate consistently. ps: we are not always 100% as a tibetan monk might be, but we attest to that from experience in life.
i have two profiles on this platform and one (DL ARCHER), whose intent is to delve into my personal experiences raising and being further “raised” by the relationship with my daughter. i have not posted yet but im pretty far along with a book i will be sharing aspects of soon. i am not asking here for any subscriptions etc. i think this email came to my profile which will include more life and less parenting as a father. that is why i am mentioning that profile.
however we can come to a place or a tachnique to rely on for reflection in order to make better decisions, i say be as “present” as you can however you can.
i also believe from my experience that there are techniques that can be used from early to at least help in that process.
parenting is overrated and underestimated ( a chapter in said book) but can be immensely rewarding. so can being a a child.
thank you for your work.
Thank you for such a thoughtful reflection. I love the way you’re looking at language, and how these “resurrected” words can lose clarity or get reshaped by culture. And I appreciate the perspective you bring from meditation — that groundedness doesn’t come from efforting our way into presence, but from a steadiness built over time.
I hear what you are saying and I agree that the long view matters. For me presence is not about being stuck in the moment. It is what helps me stay steady so I can actually see my child and guide him with more intention. That is why I write about it. Presence keeps me grounded enough to lead without reacting from pressure.
I also see presence as simple curiosity. It helps me notice what is happening without jumping to conclusions. When I hold that mindset I can balance the close view with the bigger picture. It gives me space to parent with more clarity and less stress, which is what my boys need from me.
Thank you, Erin. I really appreciate this clarity. I understand what you mean about the cultural version of presence feeling like another pressure. I remember those early years and how easy it was to believe I had to be tuned in every second. It left no space to breathe. Your way of naming this is gentle and freeing. Presence that feels open and human is what I want mothers to know is possible. Thank you for this beautiful reflection.
Yes, to steadiness and curiosity! And I completely agree: presence can be what keeps us from reacting under pressure. It can be calming and clarifying.
What I’m pushing on in this piece isn’t presence itself, but the way it’s often defined and prescribed, especially to parents in the trenches with little ones. The cultural version of “presence” can feel like a mandate to stay hyper-attuned to every moment, which ends up adding pressure instead of offering relief.
Presence, the way you’re naming it—spacious, curious, steady—is exactly what I hope parents get to experience. But I want to make sure we aren’t inadvertently setting another impossible standard.
Your boys are lucky to have a mom who can hold both views at once! 🧡
I feel like I want to categorize your posts in a way that when I’m feeling unsteady in a certain realm, I can reference one quickly.
I need Erin pep talks in my pocket. 😂 So many good takeaways here. Getting curious and turning our focus to asking ourselves the right questions, believing in the goodness of our child’s identity and not reducing them to a moment or series of moments…
I love this:
“Presence isn’t just attention. It’s tolerance. It’s spaciousness. It’s the ability to stay with what’s unfolding without letting it dictate the entire future. When we parent only from the immediate, we’re not grounded—we’re cornered. And our kids feel the impact of that corner long before we admit we’re in it.”
Presence demands that broader definition. Being zoomed in and attuned to every moment requires so much energy. Being zoomed out and tolerating their development unfolding as they try things on and fail requires a different kind of energy.
No wonder I’m exhausted at the end of the day 🤣.
It’s such a helpful reframe. Thank you, parenting guru 😂❤️ I adore you right back!
Oh my gosh, you are the sweetest! AND, I had *you* in mind when I first started writing this—the moments you step outside or away to reset, and all the times over the years when I felt like the success or failure of my relationship with my girls hinged on a single scene and how well I handled it.
Yes to presence. But also yes to remembering parenting is a long game, and our kids are unfolding across years, not minutes.
I adore you. ❤️