Just yesterday I noticed this tension when my 5 year old daughter starting crying (very loudly) in the street when we had a change of plan meaning she couldn’t go to a shop she wanted. I was so conscious of disapproving looks, freaking out about how to ‘handle it’ and judging her for being ‘too old for this.’ These moments test me. It’s hard to figure out if my reaction is about me and if I’m trying to ‘fix’ her and I questioned this yesterday and having read this I’m digging a little deeper. Thought provoking, thank you. Great read 💕
Oh, I know that feeling so well—when the stares from others feel louder than our kid's scream. Those moments stretch us in ways nothing else does. I love that you’re already asking the deeper questions in the middle of it. 🧡
"wrapped in love edged with anxiety"—exactly right. I grew up feeling it from my parents and sure enough, it made its way into my own parenting.
There's so much we don't talk about, or assume, and so much about parenting that can feel heavy. Thank you for shining a light with such clarity and generosity, Erin.
I really appreciate you sharing this, Irena. You’re right—so much of this goes unnamed, and yet it shapes us more than we realize. It means a lot to know the words resonated... with *you* especially.
Erin, this felt like someone softly placing a hand on my shoulder and saying, “You’re not alone in this.”
I’ve caught myself trying to “fix” things in Theo that were never broken — just echoes of my own discomfort, fear, or grief. Especially navigating his limb difference, there have been moments where I thought I needed to protect him by smoothing out everything. But the truth is, I needed to look inward. To ask: Why am I so unsettled by this?
Your words are such a powerful invitation — not to parent perfectly, but to parent honestly. To own what’s ours so they don’t carry it for us. Thank you for writing this.
What a beautiful reflection, Anna. It’s such a counterintuitive approach because the role of parent comes with the false narrative that we should *already* know and be everything. But in my own experience, it’s also where I’ve found the most freedom and beauty and connection with my girls and other parents.
It's so clear that you were destined to be Theo's mom—he is as blessed to have you as you are to have him. Thank *you* for sharing your relationship with all of us. 🧡
I loved reading this Erin. I agree with every word. I wrote recently that one of the most surprising (confusing?) parts for me is that I am often triggered by the very behaviours that I truly want them to display (assertiveness, self confidence, expressing their needs etc). It is easy to want these things for them & another to parent a child displaying all of them 😂. I feel like I have learned this lesson a hundred times & I know I’ll learn it a hundred more.
Also, I loved the part about repair because just like you I believe it is always possible.
Yes! That’s such an honest tension—we want those qualities for them, and then living with them can stretch every nerve. I'm right there with you on this one. And I love what you said about learning it a hundred times over—it’s such a cycle, isn’t it?
This resonated on a deep level- the jolt that set the cog back to spinning freely. Thank you for sharing this wisdom and know that it will instantly be put to good use.
This was exactly what I needed to read this morning.
This is *so* good! Leave it to MK to drop wisdom that cuts straight to the heart. I love how that reframes affection—not as something to withhold or dole out, but as the very foundation that makes growth possible.
Grateful for both of you and the way you put words to the real work of parenting. 🧡
Yes! This is amazing. I have worked through this discomfort many times of wanting to escape, go on a vacation, do something wild, chop my hair off, purchase a ridiculously overpriced piece of clothing or shoes... I remember reading "The Gifts of Imperfection" by Brene Brown thinking it would help me let for of perfectionism when really it pointed to wholehearted living. I was unprepared for that conclusion and it was hard for me to embrace that as the answer or antidote to perfectionism.
I shared this with my bestie right away. We talk about this all the time, how our children trigger us in the best way possible. Then also lovingly remind each other not to get stuck on the healing hamster wheel and have some fun. 🤣
Erin, love the hair metaphor. Whenever I find myself wanting to fix one of my daughters' behavior, it is most usually a sign that I want to fix that same behavior in myself. I see in them what I have or have had a hard time accepting in myself. I now recognize this before saying anything. And when it isn’t this, it is love. We can love too hard because we love them so much. We want to protect them from all the pain and evil, we never want to see them cry. But we must remind ourselves that this is for our protection not theirs. They need the pain and evil and tears to learm, to grow. And so we need to put our big kid pants on and step away. Be there on the sideline to cheer or wipe away the drops. We need to place our focus on something else - dying our hair could be an option. Love and gratitude, xo
I love the honesty in this, especially the tension you name between protection and projection. It takes so much self-awareness to recognize when our “help” is really about easing *our* ache instead of supporting their growth. Thanks for putting words to that, Danni. 🧡
"that’s how our kids’ authenticity slowly gives way to performance. Not because they want to deceive us, but because they’ve learned that acting is safer than being real." -- Ouch! Terrific insight.
Hoo boy! "If you want to do your shadow work, get married and have kids." I recently interviewed Dr. Brad Reedy after hearing him say this. If we recognize when we're "fixing our kids to feel better ourselves" and care to reorient to those cues and, as you say, "make peace" with these parts of ourselves, we are doing our shadow work and it will grow us up and transform our lives--while also making us the best possible guides we can be for our children, giving us the capacity to allow their authenticity. Great piece!
Just yesterday I noticed this tension when my 5 year old daughter starting crying (very loudly) in the street when we had a change of plan meaning she couldn’t go to a shop she wanted. I was so conscious of disapproving looks, freaking out about how to ‘handle it’ and judging her for being ‘too old for this.’ These moments test me. It’s hard to figure out if my reaction is about me and if I’m trying to ‘fix’ her and I questioned this yesterday and having read this I’m digging a little deeper. Thought provoking, thank you. Great read 💕
Oh, I know that feeling so well—when the stares from others feel louder than our kid's scream. Those moments stretch us in ways nothing else does. I love that you’re already asking the deeper questions in the middle of it. 🧡
"wrapped in love edged with anxiety"—exactly right. I grew up feeling it from my parents and sure enough, it made its way into my own parenting.
There's so much we don't talk about, or assume, and so much about parenting that can feel heavy. Thank you for shining a light with such clarity and generosity, Erin.
I really appreciate you sharing this, Irena. You’re right—so much of this goes unnamed, and yet it shapes us more than we realize. It means a lot to know the words resonated... with *you* especially.
Erin, this felt like someone softly placing a hand on my shoulder and saying, “You’re not alone in this.”
I’ve caught myself trying to “fix” things in Theo that were never broken — just echoes of my own discomfort, fear, or grief. Especially navigating his limb difference, there have been moments where I thought I needed to protect him by smoothing out everything. But the truth is, I needed to look inward. To ask: Why am I so unsettled by this?
Your words are such a powerful invitation — not to parent perfectly, but to parent honestly. To own what’s ours so they don’t carry it for us. Thank you for writing this.
What a beautiful reflection, Anna. It’s such a counterintuitive approach because the role of parent comes with the false narrative that we should *already* know and be everything. But in my own experience, it’s also where I’ve found the most freedom and beauty and connection with my girls and other parents.
It's so clear that you were destined to be Theo's mom—he is as blessed to have you as you are to have him. Thank *you* for sharing your relationship with all of us. 🧡
I loved reading this Erin. I agree with every word. I wrote recently that one of the most surprising (confusing?) parts for me is that I am often triggered by the very behaviours that I truly want them to display (assertiveness, self confidence, expressing their needs etc). It is easy to want these things for them & another to parent a child displaying all of them 😂. I feel like I have learned this lesson a hundred times & I know I’ll learn it a hundred more.
Also, I loved the part about repair because just like you I believe it is always possible.
Yes! That’s such an honest tension—we want those qualities for them, and then living with them can stretch every nerve. I'm right there with you on this one. And I love what you said about learning it a hundred times over—it’s such a cycle, isn’t it?
This resonated on a deep level- the jolt that set the cog back to spinning freely. Thank you for sharing this wisdom and know that it will instantly be put to good use.
This was exactly what I needed to read this morning.
I really appreciate you saying this. I never know exactly how these words will land, so it means a lot to hear this was helpful today.
This one resonates in several ways my friend - from childhood to modern day.
Here is a text mk sent me the other day when we were texting about a tough night before with our 4-yr old…
“ Hugs = connection. They’re not rewards for bad behavior.
If learning can only be achieved when a kid feels connected, it’s ok to give them affection to help them regulate to get to that place.”
I struggle with this for many reasons, although I’m getting better. Your piece today aligns with this message really well.
Thank you
This is *so* good! Leave it to MK to drop wisdom that cuts straight to the heart. I love how that reframes affection—not as something to withhold or dole out, but as the very foundation that makes growth possible.
Grateful for both of you and the way you put words to the real work of parenting. 🧡
Yes! This is amazing. I have worked through this discomfort many times of wanting to escape, go on a vacation, do something wild, chop my hair off, purchase a ridiculously overpriced piece of clothing or shoes... I remember reading "The Gifts of Imperfection" by Brene Brown thinking it would help me let for of perfectionism when really it pointed to wholehearted living. I was unprepared for that conclusion and it was hard for me to embrace that as the answer or antidote to perfectionism.
I shared this with my bestie right away. We talk about this all the time, how our children trigger us in the best way possible. Then also lovingly remind each other not to get stuck on the healing hamster wheel and have some fun. 🤣
I love this—*they trigger us in the best way possible*. And, *have some fun*. I've been thinking a lot about the importance of fun this week. 🧡
Erin, love the hair metaphor. Whenever I find myself wanting to fix one of my daughters' behavior, it is most usually a sign that I want to fix that same behavior in myself. I see in them what I have or have had a hard time accepting in myself. I now recognize this before saying anything. And when it isn’t this, it is love. We can love too hard because we love them so much. We want to protect them from all the pain and evil, we never want to see them cry. But we must remind ourselves that this is for our protection not theirs. They need the pain and evil and tears to learm, to grow. And so we need to put our big kid pants on and step away. Be there on the sideline to cheer or wipe away the drops. We need to place our focus on something else - dying our hair could be an option. Love and gratitude, xo
I love the honesty in this, especially the tension you name between protection and projection. It takes so much self-awareness to recognize when our “help” is really about easing *our* ache instead of supporting their growth. Thanks for putting words to that, Danni. 🧡
"that’s how our kids’ authenticity slowly gives way to performance. Not because they want to deceive us, but because they’ve learned that acting is safer than being real." -- Ouch! Terrific insight.
I appreciate that, Carll—thank you.
Hoo boy! "If you want to do your shadow work, get married and have kids." I recently interviewed Dr. Brad Reedy after hearing him say this. If we recognize when we're "fixing our kids to feel better ourselves" and care to reorient to those cues and, as you say, "make peace" with these parts of ourselves, we are doing our shadow work and it will grow us up and transform our lives--while also making us the best possible guides we can be for our children, giving us the capacity to allow their authenticity. Great piece!
As always, so well said. Thank you, my friend! 🧡
Thank you for this. I needed this reminder💕
Me too. Thanks, Julie. 🧡
A beautiful read. And love the Hair chop example
I appreciate that—thank you! 🧡