Reading this. I took many deep breaths. Feeling the heavy weight of guilt, I’ve admittedly done several of these things: Shame isn’t helpful though. Instead of taking it personally, I reread the entire article and took notes. Resolute to do better. It’s hard changing patterns. Learning how to parent differently. Thank you for writing this!
This kind of reflection is everything. It’s so easy to get stuck in guilt, but the fact that you’re willing to pause, rethink, and shift is what actually matters. Patterns are hard to break—especially the ones that were modeled—but awareness is where change begins.
We’re all doing the best we can, and we’re all in this together. Please know that I wrote this as much for myself as for anyone—I need the constant reminders, too. None of us are getting it perfect, but the willingness to keep learning is the work. And that matters more than anything.
We’re all just trying to raise our kids well while unlearning what no longer serves us. And that’s no small thing. I'm standing right beside you on this one.
I love that you wrote this as much for yourself as for others because that’s exactly how growth works, we remind each other, stumble together, and keep moving forward. None of us are getting it perfect, but the willingness to unlearn and do better is what truly matters.
As a writer, I find it incredibly inspiring that you’re willing to share from such an authentic and vulnerable place. I sometimes struggle with that myself, wondering, As I navigate this life, am I really an expert in overcoming trauma and reclaiming myself? Some days, it feels like I’m just holding my pieces together alongside everyone else. But maybe that’s the point, none of us have it all figured out, yet we still show up, reflect, and grow. And that’s enough.
Very good and spot on. Mine are grown now, and I feel reassured I got all six of these mostly right - largely because I was still struggling with my own parents getting them wrong, and being very conscious of what I would have wanted done differently.
I’ve still not fully recovered, decades on, from the price of conditional love and being pressed to achievement. These things are at the base of behaviours that make me stressed to the point of being physically unwell.
That’s so real, and I imagine so many people will see themselves in your words. It’s powerful how awareness of what we needed but didn’t receive can shape the way we parent. The hope, I guess, is that each generation untangles a little more of what wasn’t ours to carry.
And you’re right—conditional love and the pressure to achieve don’t just fade with time. They settle in deep, shaping how we move, how we rest, how we define enough. In my opinion, 'mostly right' is a job well done! Maybe even the best any of us can hope for.
What I glean from your pieces, week after week, is not just an example of how to re-frame the common tropes of parenting mistakes or fails, but how to re-parent OURSELVES.
Today it was the concept of conditional love. Knowing how it felt when I was a kid and my parents would be angry with me, then never resolve anything but eventually act like nothing happened, has been a powerful teacher for me as a mom.
I will admit something, though: I do sometimes tell my kids they're driving me crazy. But here's why: sometimes they call out someone else in the family as being "annoying." And I tell them, "Aren't we all annoying to others sometimes?" To me, it's an honest statement. I suppose because I have always been a big feeler and expresser of my own emotions, I can't really pretend when I'm not driven to the brink of madness due to my kids' behavior. So, I try to be honest without blaming them. Sometimes it's preceded by a disclaimer, sometimes followed by assurance of my love.
I love this so much, and I totally get what you’re saying about honesty. Kids feel things so deeply, and they know when something’s off. There’s a difference between making them responsible for our emotions and modeling that it’s okay to have them. The fact that you pair honesty with reassurance—that’s everything. It shows them that frustration and love can exist in the same space, and neither cancels out the other.
Also, 'Aren't we all annoying to others sometimes?' That’s a pretty solid life truth.
"Kids don’t learn emotional regulation from being told how to manage their feelings. They learn it from watching us in challenging moments."
Right on. Love is a verb, not a noun.
Exactly. Thanks, Carll.
Guilty as charged, and grateful for the call to increased awareness. Thanks, Erin!
Thanks so much, Kelly!
Some really powerful points here. Definitely made me think- thanks for writing this!
Reading this. I took many deep breaths. Feeling the heavy weight of guilt, I’ve admittedly done several of these things: Shame isn’t helpful though. Instead of taking it personally, I reread the entire article and took notes. Resolute to do better. It’s hard changing patterns. Learning how to parent differently. Thank you for writing this!
This kind of reflection is everything. It’s so easy to get stuck in guilt, but the fact that you’re willing to pause, rethink, and shift is what actually matters. Patterns are hard to break—especially the ones that were modeled—but awareness is where change begins.
We’re all doing the best we can, and we’re all in this together. Please know that I wrote this as much for myself as for anyone—I need the constant reminders, too. None of us are getting it perfect, but the willingness to keep learning is the work. And that matters more than anything.
We’re all just trying to raise our kids well while unlearning what no longer serves us. And that’s no small thing. I'm standing right beside you on this one.
I love that you wrote this as much for yourself as for others because that’s exactly how growth works, we remind each other, stumble together, and keep moving forward. None of us are getting it perfect, but the willingness to unlearn and do better is what truly matters.
As a writer, I find it incredibly inspiring that you’re willing to share from such an authentic and vulnerable place. I sometimes struggle with that myself, wondering, As I navigate this life, am I really an expert in overcoming trauma and reclaiming myself? Some days, it feels like I’m just holding my pieces together alongside everyone else. But maybe that’s the point, none of us have it all figured out, yet we still show up, reflect, and grow. And that’s enough.
You put this beautifully, and I couldn’t agree more. I think most of us are just doing the best we can—and that is more than enough.
Very good and spot on. Mine are grown now, and I feel reassured I got all six of these mostly right - largely because I was still struggling with my own parents getting them wrong, and being very conscious of what I would have wanted done differently.
I’ve still not fully recovered, decades on, from the price of conditional love and being pressed to achievement. These things are at the base of behaviours that make me stressed to the point of being physically unwell.
That’s so real, and I imagine so many people will see themselves in your words. It’s powerful how awareness of what we needed but didn’t receive can shape the way we parent. The hope, I guess, is that each generation untangles a little more of what wasn’t ours to carry.
And you’re right—conditional love and the pressure to achieve don’t just fade with time. They settle in deep, shaping how we move, how we rest, how we define enough. In my opinion, 'mostly right' is a job well done! Maybe even the best any of us can hope for.
I find it very difficult to rest. Resting feels like failing. And that is the reason I have health issues now: my body enforcing rest!
But I take comfort in the thought that each generation improves on the last. Thank you for helping parents do it better so they can have less regret!
What a generous compliment, thank you.
Wow, I have so much to say (naturally), Erin!
What I glean from your pieces, week after week, is not just an example of how to re-frame the common tropes of parenting mistakes or fails, but how to re-parent OURSELVES.
Today it was the concept of conditional love. Knowing how it felt when I was a kid and my parents would be angry with me, then never resolve anything but eventually act like nothing happened, has been a powerful teacher for me as a mom.
I will admit something, though: I do sometimes tell my kids they're driving me crazy. But here's why: sometimes they call out someone else in the family as being "annoying." And I tell them, "Aren't we all annoying to others sometimes?" To me, it's an honest statement. I suppose because I have always been a big feeler and expresser of my own emotions, I can't really pretend when I'm not driven to the brink of madness due to my kids' behavior. So, I try to be honest without blaming them. Sometimes it's preceded by a disclaimer, sometimes followed by assurance of my love.
I love this so much, and I totally get what you’re saying about honesty. Kids feel things so deeply, and they know when something’s off. There’s a difference between making them responsible for our emotions and modeling that it’s okay to have them. The fact that you pair honesty with reassurance—that’s everything. It shows them that frustration and love can exist in the same space, and neither cancels out the other.
Also, 'Aren't we all annoying to others sometimes?' That’s a pretty solid life truth.
Right?!
Beautiful written about parenting ❤️
Thank you so much, Priyanka ❤️